


Killing Me To Love You

by theArcane



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abusive John Winchester, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - After College/University, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, Bisexual Dean Winchester, But they don't know how to say it, Castiel Loves Dean Winchester, Castiel and Dean Winchester Falling in Love, Child Castiel, Child Dean Winchester, Dead Mary Winchester, Dean Struggles With His Feelings, Dean Winchester Has Internalized Homophobia, Dean Winchester Loves Castiel, Dean raises Sam, Emotionally Repressed Dean Winchester, F/M, Friends to Enemies to Lovers, Friends to Lovers, Gay Benny Lafitte, Gay Castiel (Supernatural), Good Parent Mary Winchester, Homophobic John Winchester, Human Castiel, Hurt Dean Winchester, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Internalized Homophobia, John Winchester is abusive, John Winchester is an ass, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Other Ships Not Mentioned in Tags, POV Dean Winchester, Physical Abuse, Repressed Bisexual Dean Winchester, Young Dean Winchester, childhood best friends, it's a rollercoaster, soundtrack
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-03
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-13 18:28:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 13
Words: 26,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28532916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theArcane/pseuds/theArcane
Summary: "Falling in love with Castiel was easy. Staying in love with him was not."Dean Winchester and Castiel have been friends since they were kids. Growing up, Dean often wondered whether his feelings for Castiel were more than that of a friend. But he refuses to accept it. Because being in love with a man is the biggest crime in his Dad's eyes.As Dean deals with the death of his mother, an abusive father, taking care of his little brother and his struggles to accept his own sexuality, he only has his best friend to help him go through everything.The story takes us on a journey over the years where Dean and Cas will find and lose each other over and over again.
Relationships: Anna Milton/Dean Winchester, Benny Lafitte/Dean Winchester, Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester, Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester, Jessica Moore & Sam Winchester, Lisa Braeden/Dean Winchester
Comments: 37
Kudos: 42





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> It's a long chapter but hopefully the rest of the chapters will be shorter and not as sad :))

**Soundtrack:**

**Falling for you - 1975**

**Before you go - Lewis Capildi**

**The War- SYML**

**Somebody Else - Flora Cash**

_Falling in love with Castiel was easy. Staying in love with him was not_

**PART 1 : CHILDHOOD**

The first time Dean Winchester saw the boy, he was standing across Dean in the cafeteria, being pushed and thrown around by a bunch of what looked like fifth- graders. He was clutching his lunch in his hand tightly and it seemed like the boys were trying to snatch it away from him. Thinking about what his Dad had said about never letting anyone push you around and to always help the weak, Dean, the scrawny blonde kid, forgetting his own lunch, got up from his seat and rushed over to the boy's aide. 

As he approached them, he saw that the boy was tiny. Tinier than Dean. He thought he has seen him in his class, but he wasn't sure. There were so many boys and girls in his class that it was hard to know one from another. The boy looked so weak, so fragile as he was hugging his lunchbag to his chest and tears were decorating his face like little beads. The biggest one in the group was laughing and trying to pry the lunchbag from the boy's hands. 

"Come on, dork. We are hungry."

"You had your own lunch." The boy said in a squeaky voice muffled with sobs.

"That wasn't enough. We need more." The big boy said as others laughed with him. 

"I.. I am hungry too." 

"We are bigger. We need to eat more." Another round of laughter. 

The little boy sobbed and hugged the bag tighter, as if he could swallow it right then and there. The big boy finally looked out of patience as he grabbed the tiny hand and pulled at it. Something boiled inside Dean right then and without thinking, he was running towards them.

Before the big boy could realize what was happening, Dean was already between them, pushing him away from the tiny boy with as much strength as he could muster. It wasn't the best idea, a first grader pushing a fifth grader in the school courtyard- he wasn't going home in one piece, he was sure of that. 

The big guy's face flushed red with anger and Dean closed his eyes, bracing himself for a punch, but it never came. Instead he felt a hard push on his back and when he turned around, he saw the boy staring at him in anger. He was as red as the big boy. Dean saw that his lunch had fallen to the ground, two sandwiches lying on the ground, the mustard smell filling up the whole courtyard. Other students had gathered around, trying to see what all the commotion was about. 

Dean looked around, embarassed. Some were pointing at him and whispering. He felt tears fill up his eyes as he heard the older guys laugh behind his back and the boy's angry gaze pierced through him. Wiping his eyes roughly to stop the tears from falling out, Dean ran away.

  
**~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•**

  
If there was one thing, John Winchester hated, it was crying. He always said that crying was something that only suited women. Men were supposed to be tough, to be the breadwinners, to be the rock in everyone's lives. Although for a man who was supposed to be so _tough_ , he never had the guts to say any of this in front of Dean's Mom. She always told Dean that it was okay to cry, to express himself. After she said it, his Dad used to pull him aside and told him that the only right way to "express" yourself was through your punches and kicks. 

John Winchester would have been proud of Dean today. He had stood up to a fifth grader. But he had also allowed himself to be pushed by a boy smaller than him and then cried in front of his whole class. His Dad would yell at him if he told him this. Mary Winchester won't shout at him or raise a hand, but she will give Dean a gentle, disappointed look for stepping into a fight in the first place. Neither of them will understand that he only did it to defend a helpless boy. ( _who wasn't_ _so helpless after all)._

Thinking about all this didn't help with Dean's tears. They just kept flowing as Dean sat alone behind a bush outside the cafeteria, his head between his knees as he sobbed quietly, knowing that no one will be able to come find him here. No one will want to. It's been a month since he entered first grade and no one has made friends with him yet. The recess was supposed to last another 15 minutes or.. _30 minutes?_ Dean had no idea. He didn't even know how to read a clock. He just planned to sit there till the bell rang.

"Can I sit here?" A squeaky voice said. 

Dean lifted his head from his knees and looked up. He immediately looked away and turned his body the other way. "No." He tried to sound angry but his tears made his voice came out as squeaky as the boy's.

"I.. I have your lunch." The boy said from behind him.

"I don't want it. Go away." Dean said, slowly tilting his head to wipe his tears on his sleeve, hoping that the boy won't notice. 

"You should eat." Dean heard the bush rustle as the boy sat down behind him. 

"I don't want to." 

"Did I make you cry?"

Dean hurriedly wiped off another stray tear off his cheek. "I am not crying." 

"I don't go away till you eat." 

Dean slowly turned around to face the boy. He took the lunchbag from his hand. "You didn't eat too. I dropped your lunch." 

The boy gave a small shrug. "It fell." 

"Then why did you push me?" 

"Because you pushed my brother." The boy said, looking longingly at Dean's lunch. 

"He was your _brother_?" 

"The tall one. Michael. He's in fifth grade and he sometimes try to snatch my lunch from me."

Dean's eyes widened. "Why don't you tell your mom?" 

"I don't have a mom. Only Dad. He is busy in the morning and he sometimes forgets to pack our lunches. Or gives only one sandwich and we have to remain hungry whole day. Or he sometimes forgets to put mustard and then it's so hard to chew. Today ours was perfect, this is why Michael wanted more, and this is why became after me."

Dean looked at his own beautiful sandwich with it crusts cut off. His mom always got up early to make it for him. "Here." He said to the boy, holding out his food. "You eat this." 

"No." He shook his head violently. 

"Go on. I ate one already." 

"I am not hungry." As if his stomach was listening, it started growling at those words.

Dean pushed the sandwich in his hands. "Eat it."

"Sure?" The boy looked at him. Dean noticed his eyes were blue, as blue as the oceans their teacher was teaching them about. 

Dean nodded. The boy dug i hungrily and in a few moments it was gone. "Thank you." He said.

"What's your name?" Dean asked. 

"Castiel Novak. Yours?" 

"That's an odd name."

"My dad says it's named after an angel. The angel of Thursday. He loves angels"

"My dad says angels aren't real." 

The boy shrugged. "But I am." 

"Yeah you are."

"What's yours?" 

"What?"

"What's your name?" 

"Dean Winchester." 

"Cool."

"Yeah." 

They sat quietly for a while.

"Can I ask you something?" Dean blurted out.

"Sure." 

"If you were angry at me for pushing your brother, why did you cone here to return my lunch?" 

Castiel looked at him simply. "Because no one has stood up for me before." 

The bell rang shrilly in their ears. Dean got up from the ground, wiping off dirt from his pants. He looked down at the boy. "Will you sit with me in class?"

"Sure." 

And finally, Dean Winchester had made a new friend- Castiel. The Angel of Thursday.

**~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•**

That day, Dean came home skipping and prancing all the way. 

"Mom! Mom!" He shouted as he opened the door to step inside. 

"In the kitchen, Dean."

"Mom!" Dean ran into the kitchen to see his Mom trying to bend over to pick up something from the floor. 

She stood up straight to look at Dean. "Can you help me with this baby?" 

Dean immediately rushed to his mother's side to help her. He saw that a packet of milk had spilled on the floor. He took the clothe from his mother's hand and begin wiping. It was a simple task, yet he knew how difficult it was for his mother to do it right now. 

Because his Mom had a _really_ big belly. They had told him that a little boy was sleeping inside it, the boy who, once he comes out, will be Dean's little brother. Dean didn't want him. His Mom was always fussing over him when he wasn't even born yet. He was pretty sure she will forget Dean after the baby comes into this world. He sometimes wished that the baby would never come out. 

"How was your day, Dean?" Mary asked, leaning back on the kitchen counter, holding her belly. 

Dean's eyes lighted up. He forgot all about his little brother. "I made a new friend Mom." 

Mary smiled at him. "What's their name?" 

"Castiel. Weird name, right?" Dean carefully wiped the last drop off the floor. "But he is so sweet. He himself came to sit with me." He didn't mention the fight because he knew he will get scolded.

"I told you, Dean, didn't I? You just needed to give it some time. It's not hard to make friends." 

Dean got off the floor to stand by his mother. "I don't hate school anymore." 

Mary pulled him into a side hug, squashing Dean against her belly. "I am glad you don't, baby. Bring Castiel home sometime. I will feed him your favourite pie." 

Dean pouted. "You haven't made pie since a month." 

"I know, baby, I know. I am just so tired all the time. Just a few more days and when your brother will be out of me, I promise I will make you pie and cookies." 

Dean lifted his head to look at his mother, his face pulled into a grin. "Really?"

"I promise." Mary said, brushing his hair gently. 

"You are the best Mom ever." He rested his head on her belly again but jerked back immediately when he felt the baby kick inside. 

Mary laughed at him, but Dean made a face. He already hated his baby brother. 

  
**~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~**

The next few weeks were some of the happiest days Dean had. Castiel's bus stop was one place ahead of Dean's and every morning he'd step into the bus to find Dean saving a seat for him and then they'd talk about this and that the whole ride, not giving a damn about the rest of the kids hollering around. More like, the rest of the kids didn't give a damn about them. It didn't bother Dean in the least. He had one friend, and that was enough. More than enough, because Castiel was a big talker. He could go on and on about anything and everything. Dean loved hearing him all day.

They sat together the whole day. Sometimes Castiel's Dad forgot to pack his lunch or gave sandwiches that were really dry ( _"It'd be easier to chew rocks", Dean had said, earning a light whoop in the head by Castiel._ ) In those days, Dean was happy to share his lunch with him. Dean knew how difficult it was for her, but his Mom still packed him lunch every day. He told her that she could give him money for the cafeteria sometimes, but she never agreed. ( _"Cafeteria food is so bad will make your little tummy sick."_ ) His Dad agreed with Dean. But he never made lunch for his son to help his wife.

"When is your baby brother coming out?" Castiel asked him once during their recess. 

"Mom says it can be anytime." 

"Aren't you happy? You should be more happy. I have a baby sister too. She doesn't know how to talk yet, but once she does we will be best friends. I won't let her become a bully like my brothers." 

"I thought you didn't have a Mom. Where did your sister come from?" 

Castiel looked offended. "I had a Mom. She left after my sister was born." 

"Why?"

"I don't know." 

"Will my Mom leave too?" 

"If she likes you, she won't." 

Dean remained quiet for a moment in shock. "Your Mom didn't like you?" 

"I don't know." Castiel said, taking a bite out of Dean's salad. "If she did, why would she leave?" 

"Maybe she didn't like your brothers. They are scary and big. I don't know why anyone won't like you." 

He smiled sadly. "You will love your brother, Dean, I am telling you. I miss Mom less because I have Anna." 

"Wow."

"What?"

"Your sister has a normal name." 

Castiel jabbed his elbow at him. "I have a normal name too." 

"It's so big." Dean said, widening his arms to indicate how big it was. " _Cas-tee-yal_. I fall asleep saying it." 

He pouted. "Then don't say it." 

They silently ate their lunch after that, Dean lost in his own thoughts. The bell soon rang and they both groaned at the thought of going back to classes. 

"Cas." Dean said quietly as children ran around them to make their way back. 

"What?" Castiel asked, getting up.

"I will call you Cas. It is short and better." 

"Cas.." He repeated, testing his new name on his lips. 

"Cas." Dean said as Cas extended a hand to him and they both made their way through the crowd. 

  
**~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~**

  
The time finally came. One day when Dean came home from school, he saw his Mom and Dad rushing around the house, his Mom screaming at the top of the lungs. 

"Dean! Hurry!" John shouted. 

Dean ran towards his mother, scared out of his life. _Why was she screaming like that? Why is she holding her belly like that? Has the baby started eating her from inside?_

"Mom! Are you okay?" He shouted as John helped her tuck inside their car. 

"Dean.." She called out, writhing on her seat. He whole face was covered with sweat and her eyes were wide with pain. "We have to go.."She screamed.

Dean took her hand in his. He could feel tears filling up his eyes. "Mom, what's happening? Where are we going?" 

"Dean, the baby.. your brother- _ah!_ \- he's coming." 

"Why are you in pain?" Dean sobbed. 

"It will be okay." Mary panted. "This is how it happens. You'll see.. " She squeezed his hand . "Everything will be all right." 

"Mom.. don't leave." Dean whispered. 

"I am right here, baby." Despite her pain, she smiled. "I am always be here." 

"Dean! Get in the goddamn car. We have to go!" John's voice fell like a whip on him. He let go of his mother's hand and immediately sat in the backseat. Soon they were off to the hospital.

"Just a few more minutes, Dean. And you are gonna have a brother." John said, rubbing his shoulder excitedly as they both waited outside the room his Mom was in. 

Dean didn't say anything. All he wanted to see his Mom again. To make sure she doesn't leave like Castiel's did. There was no reason for her to leave though, Dean reminded himself. She loved Dean. He was scared for no reason. He buried his head in his arms. 

"What's.. what's happening?" Dean looked up when he heard his Dad's panicked voice. He saw doctors rushing to Mary's room. 

"Code blue!" The doctors were shouting as nurses ran in and out. Dean told himself not to worry. His Mom had told him that this is how it happens. It was all normal. But the fear in his Dad's eyes was telling a different story. He was shouting at the doctors, begging them to tell him what was happening. That didn't seem normal. 

An hour later, Dean and John were on his mother's bedside. She was sleeping peacefully. His Dad was holding her hand, crying his eyes out. Dean didn't know what was happening. He had seem his Mom sleep before, but this was different. She wasn't moving. She wasn't breathing. His brother was lying in a crib on the other side of the room, sleeping softly. 

Dean took her other hand in his own and gently shook her. "Mom, wake up." 

His Dad sobbed loudly. "Dean.." 

"Wake up." Dean said, ignoring him. "Mom, please." 

"Dean." John said, a little loudly thus time. "She is gone. She is not coming back." 

"Mom, wake up! Wake up!" Dean was screaming now. She had promised him that she wasn't going anywhere. Cas had told him that she will not leave. Then why wouldn't she come back to him? He kept shouting and shaking her until John pried her away from her body. He didn't even realize that his cries had awakened the baby and now both their screams were mingled in one. 

John let Dean go when he had stopped crying after a while and came back to sit at Mary's side. The baby was still crying. 

"Dad," Dean said. "The baby.." 

"What about it?" John asked, refusing to remove his eyes from his wife. 

"He isn't getting quiet." 

"I don't give a damn, Dean! I don't give a damn about the little monster!" 

There was a fire in his eyes that Dean had never seen before. For the first time on his life, he was scared of his own Dad. He quietly made his way towards the baby. 

It was small and fat, whole body wrapped in a white sheet. His whole face was red because of the tears falling on his cheeks. Dean carefully picked him up in his arms and started patting it's back. He rocked him from side to side, whispering "shh" in his ears. He was afraid that his Dad might lash out at him again if the baby didn't go quiet soon. Thankfully, it slowly calmed down and after a while, Dean could feel it's gentle breath on his shoulder. He was finally sleeping. 

In that moment, Dean realized three things - his mother was gone, there was a stranger inside his father and that no matter what he had told himself before, Dean did love his little brother. _Perhaps the most in this world._


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean learns to take care of his little brother because his Dad wouldn't and Cas helps him through it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back :) It's a short chapter but I promise the story will pick up after this.

Dean hadn't been to school since a week. His teachers had called their landline number to ask John what had happened. Dean just stayed in his room and only came out to eat. Most of the times, there _wasn't_ anything to eat. But he didn't mind. He could easily ignore the rumbles of his stomach. It didn't matter. _Nothing really did_. 

At least his brother was coming home, _finally_. And his father had gone there to bring him. Dean was alone at home. He felt scared. He had never been alone. They didn't have a babysitter but his Mom always made sure that he was in good hands. The thought of his Mom made him wanna cry again, so he simply switched on the tv. 

An hour later or so, John Winchester came home with the baby in his arms. Dean's eyes lighted up at the sight of it. It was sleeping peacefully in a red basket they had bought weeks before his birth. John looked exhausted. There were black circles underneath his eyes.

"He's home! He's home!" Dean jumped up and down and rushed over to take the basket from his father. 

"Be careful, Dean." John said absentmindedly. 

Dean paid no attention to him and gently set the baby down on the couch. He sat down beside it and simply kept staring at it. It was sleeping peacefully, without a care in the world. _How lucky_ , Dean thought willfully. At least he never met Mom. At least he wouldn't have anything to cry over. 

John set down (more like, _threw_ down) the rest of the bags in the kitchen. "These have milk, diapers and some other sissy stuff like baby wipes and whatnot."

"What's _sissy_?" Dean asked curiously.

He gave his son a tired look. "Nothing you need to worry about. Just make sure he doesn't cry. I am going to take a nap." 

Dean simply nodded. He suddenly remembered what he had been dying to ask his Dad since days now. "Dad, wait." 

"What?" 

"He needs a name." 

John stopped and turned around, looking at him weirdly. " _Name?_ You should be grateful I am letting it sleep under this roof! The bastard doesn't need a _name!_ " 

"Dad.." Dean said, trying to stop tears from falling out of his eyes. "We _need_ to.. _my brother_.. Mom wanted to.." 

John walked over to where Dean was sitting and grabbed his shoulder. "Your Mom's dead now, Dean. Get that into your head." 

And when John Winchester was finally gone, to take a very peaceful nap, Dean sat on the couch with his baby brother the whole night, crying and shaking silently, afraid to wake up his Dad again.

  
**~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~**

  
The first month was hard. His teachers and allowed him to stay at home, given his "tragedy" and he was glad. His dad mostly stayed out the whole day, most probably working. Dean stayed at home with his brother. The first few days, John had tried to feed him and change him, doing a very sloppy job at it. It was hard for Dean to watch. One day he took a bottle in his own hands and pressed it at the baby's mouth. It sucked happily. Dean was surprised at how easy it was to feed it without spilling. 

The diapers were the hard part. John only changed it once or twice a day. But the baby had a big appetite and an even bigger release. Dean couldn't deal with the stink the whole day. He had watched his father do it before, he could do it himself, he thought. He of course got it wrong the first few times. The baby kept wailing loudly at the itch. Dean finally got it right on his fourth try.

The only thing that concerned him was what would happen if they ran out. He hoped his Dad would buy more milk and diapers if need be. He didn't have any money of his own. Some relatives and friends have been to see them, but they have only given them food to comfort them. They didn't know that Dean didn't want food for himself. He only wanted it for his brother. And he had no idea how they were gonna get that. 

  
**~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~**

  
Even though he was at home all day long, he never got bored. The baby kept him occupied enough. One day he saw a loaded car pull up into their old neighbor's house. A small family stepped out - a father, a mother and a little girl. The girl was blonde while her mother brunette. The father wore a cap. He had thick beard. They started unloading their car to get stuff into their new house. The girl pranced up and down the porch happily.

"Jo! Make sure you don't hurt yourself on the stones." The mother said while carrying a heavy box inside. 

"Yes Mom. I will be careful." The girl, Jo said. 

"Leave her be, El. Let the kid some fun." Her Dad called out, unloading another box from the car.

The woman smiled at her husband. "Always trying to be the cool parent, Bobby." 

They met halfway and shared a brief kiss before going back to unload more boxes. 

All this time, Dean kept staring out at his window, taking in the happy family. The _normal_ family. He didn't knew what jealousy was, but he was certainly feeling it. 

  
**~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~**

  
Castiel came to visit him one day. Dean was in the middle of feeding his brother when he heard the knock at the door.

"How do you know where I live?" He asked immediately.

"Our teachers sent me. They wanted me to give you our classwork." Cas said, pointing to his schoolbag filled with books. "My Dad dropped me here. He will be back in two hours." 

"I thought you forgot me." Dean said, the milk bottle still in his hand. 

Cas looked at him with wide eyes. "I didn't make any new friends when you were gone. I was bored."

"Good." Dean said, gesturing Cas to sit on the couch. 

"Your Dad isn't here?" Cas asked, ignoring his offer to sit.

"He's at work." 

"And he left you alone here?" 

Dean nodded embaressed.

"Cool!" Cas exclaimed. "You get to have all the fun you want!"

Dean shrugged. "Sure." 

"Where's your brother?" Cas asked, looking around.

"How did you know I have a brother?" 

"Everyone at school knows. Your Mom's gone but she left you a brother." 

Dean looked down at his feet, blinking away the few tears which were threatening to come out.   
"He's inside. Sleeping." He lied. 

Castiel's face lit up. "I want to see him." 

"He's sleeping." Dean repeated. For some reason, he didn't want Cas to see the baby. _What if he doesn't like it? What if he calls it a monster too_? 

"I will be quiet. Promise." Cas looked at him the way the baby used to look at him- so innocently. Dean melted. 

"A'right. Come on." 

He led Cas into their bedroom where the baby's cradle was set. Cas ran over to it as Dean stood nervously by the doorway. His mouth turned into a perfect 'o' as he looked at it. "He's so cute!" He exclaimed. 

Dean couldn't help but smile as Cas took the baby's cheeks in his hands and pulled gently. The baby cooed happily. The most adorable sound Dean had ever heard. 

"He loves you." Dean said. 

Cas looked back at him, his eyes shining with joy. "He is just like my little sister." 

"I wanna meet her." 

"Come to my home then. When my brothers aren't there." 

"Okay." Dean simply said as Cas put his attention back on the baby.

"Can I feed it?" He asked, looking at the bottle still in Dean's hands.

Dean shook his head. "You will spill. I am tired of cleaning." 

Cas stomped his feet. "Promise I won't!" 

Dean sighed and walked over to him t hand him the bottle. He knew there was no use arguing with the stubborn little guy. Cas looked amazed as the baby's mouth took the bottle in and sucked peacefully. 

"What's his name?" Cas finally asked the question Dean had been dreading the most. 

"I don't know." 

"You don't know?" 

"My mom died before giving one. My dad doesn't want to."

"Then you should." 

"What?"

"You should name it." 

"I am not a parent." 

"So what? Someone has to give it a name. What will we call him when he grows up? He will hate you and your dad for not giving him a name. Do you want that, Dean, do you?" 

Dean groaned. It was so hard to shut Cas up sometimes. But he was right. The baby should have a name. 

"I don't know what to name it." 

Cas made an expression like he was thinking deeply. "Think about something your Mom liked."

"Like what?" 

"Like anything." 

Dean racked his head around. His Mom loved a lot of things - flowers, gardening, cooking, watching tv. She loved everything and nothing. 

"I don't know." 

"Any name, Dean. Any name she loved." 

Names she loved. Dean thought about the people she loved - his Dad ( _no way he was gonna name the baby after his Dad, he would kill him_ ) and _..and??_ There was so little he knew about her.

" _Her_ dad!" Dean suddenly exclaimed.

"What?" 

"Her Dad- Samuel." He thought about how she had once told him about how much she loved her dad and that they didn't talk to each other for some reason but she would love to talk to him again one day.

"Samuel?" Cas asked, again making his thinking face. 

"Samuel." Dean repeated. It was an odd name, a little too big for the tiny baby.

"Sam!" They both said at the same time, after having the same realization. 

"Sam it is." Dean looked it. "Sam." It was a beautiful name. 

And ever since his Mom had left, this was the first time Dean felt a little happy. His baby brother had a name and one more person in this whole wide world who loved him besides Dean. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cas and Sam = adorable


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Cas are in middle school now and they're going through puberty. They find it weird that everyone else is interested in girls, while they aren't for some reason.  
> Meanwhile, John is still a bitch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To people who are still here ♥️

**Soundtrack:**

_Falling for you - 1975_

_Heaven - Troye Sivan_

_Neptune - Sleeping at last_

_Half Light - The Banners_

_Talk me down - Troye Sivan_

_Only - RYX_

_I Lost A Friend - Finneas_

_I Wasted You - Flora Cash_

**PART 2: MIDDLE SCHOOL**

"Dean! Dean! Wake up!" Tiny hands shook Dean's body as he lifted his head from the pillow. 

"What is it, Sammy?" 

" _School_! I am going to third grade!" The squeaky voice said.

Dean groaned into his pillow. Not school. Summer was finally over and school.. _again_. "Do we have to?" 

Sam grabbed his arm and shook him again. "Come on, Dean. You can't miss first day." 

Dean realized that was true. He cannot miss the first day. Especially of seventh grade. Besides, he would have to get up to make Sammy's breakfast anyways, so might as well get dressed and go to school. At least Cas will be there. 

After showering, Dean went down into the kitchen to check what they have. Sam wasn't here yet, which meant he was still showering or more likely, trying to decide what clothes to wear. He seemed too excited today. It didn't surprise Dean. Little Sammy was excited for everything. His favorite cereals could come in a new shape and he remained grinning all day. Dean, on the other hand - barely anything excited him. Except seeing his best friend again.

"Mornin' Dad." Dean said, without looking at his Dad sitting on the couch in their living room, his face hidden behind a newspaper. 

"You are up early." He said without looking up. 

Dean shook his head, knowing that his Dad can't see him. "We have school today." 

John looked at his watch for a brief moment and then went back to his newspaper. "Get ready soon then. Don't wanna be late on the first day." 

"I am ready. Just need some breakfast." Dean started checking the fridge and shelves to see if they had something. He couldn't help but feel a little disappointed. Maybe a part of him had hoped that their Dad would have made something for them to eat on the first day of their school, but turns out, he didn't even know what day it was. 

It was the same story everyday. Dean usually woke up around 11 am and if he felt like it or Sammy was too hungry, he cooked something up for the both of them. The only proper meal they had was lunch, because Dean, well he knew how to cook. He had taught himself over the years. He wasn't very good at it, but it was what it was. 

Dinner was the most awkward affair. John usually picked something from the market while out working at his garage or asked Dean to order pizza. Dean sometimes insisted on cooking, but he did it only occasionally. Because everytime he did, he saw his Dad's expression change ever so slightly and Dean's mind would flash to the day the first time he had heard the word "sissy" from his father's mouth. He had made the exact same expression. 

"Where's your brother, eh?" John asked as Dean loaded the buttered bread into the toaster. 

"Showering I s'pose." 

"You're too soft on him. He's gonna make you late." 

Dean ignored that. He knew there was no use mentioning that Sammy was the one who had woken him up this morning, not the other way around. John doesn't care.

As if on cue, Sam finally stepped into the loving room, grinning. He was wearing a particularly bright t-shirt with bis favorite pants that Dean had bought him for his birthday. 

He started running into the kitchen but slowed down as soon as he saw his Dad on the couch. "Good morning Dad." Sam said quietly. 

"Hm." John grunted in response. 

Sam looked down at his shoes, his little smile no longer there. Dean clenched, then unclenched his fist and walked over to his little brother, toast in hand. 

He ruffled his hair and said, "Hurry up! We are late already." 

Sam's eyes lighted up again and he started munching fast. His voice came out muffled as he spoke. "How muth th-ime we have?" 

"That's not your problem. It's mine. You- focus on eating." Dean said, putting another bread into the toaster. 

John scoffed at his words, making Dean stop in his tracks. _Not this morning, please. Let us have one morning._

Thankfully, he didn't say anything else. But the damage was done. Tears were already willing up in Sam's eyes and he gave Dean a sad look. Dean shook his head at him to ask him to just let it go. Like he has been letting go every one of Dad's snide remarks and crude expressions since the day he has been born. 

  
**~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•**

  
Their blonde neighbor, Jo waved at them at the bus stop. Her dad had come to drop her off. She was in Dean's grade, but they barely ever talked. She tried to, all the time, but he never wanted to. He knew it wasn't fair, but part of him was still felt the same emotion he had felt the first day they met- _jealousy_. So he simply waved back. 

They seperated and Sammy left to join his friends at the front. Dean moved to the back to go to the sixth seat from the front, which he knew would be empty. It was his. _His and Cas'_. No one ever dared to take it away from them. 

His best friend finally came to join him at the next stop, followed by his brothers and sister. Dean beamed at him. They had met all summer, almost every day, Dean never got tired of him. He was the only thing he had looked forward to during the holidays and the only thing he looks forward to during school. 

His brothers, Michael and Gabriel, left to join their friends in the back. Gabriel was going to become a freshman today and Michael was entering junior year. They were still bullies, Dean knew. 

"Heyyo." Cas said, throwing himself on the seat beside Dean's. "Sup?" 

"Almost slept my way through the first day of seventh grade." Dean said, stifling a yawn. 

Cas shoved an elbow into him. "Me too. I woke up and thought, what's the point? The same old shit again - teachers introducing themselves, telling us this is a very important year and how we need to be really focused, and on and on. We have done this six times before. A seventh time? _Pass_." 

"So what made you get up?" Dean asked, only registering half of Castiel's words. 

"Dad coming down and whooping me in the head." 

"At least he remembered you had school today." Dean muttered bitterly. 

"Let me guess, too drunk again?" Cas asked about John.

"Worse. He was sober." 

  
**~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~**

Their first day went exactly as Cas had described it. Teachers asked them to introduce themselves with their hobbies and whatnots. Then they started telling them about how this was going to be such an important year and how they should be heavily focused on their grades if they want to do something in the future. Dean and Cas kept rolling their eyes the whole time.

At lunch Sammy came to him to ask for money. He had a girl with him. 

"Hey Jess." She and Sam had been friends since first grade. 

"Hi Dean. Hi Cas." She said shyly and ran away as with Sam as soon as Dean gave him the money. 

"Cute." Cas commented. 

"Shut up." 

"Hey look. My sandwich is perfect today. Perfect mustard, perfect veggies. And hey, even the crust is off." 

The last comment sank Dean's heart. Crusts off, just like his Mom used to make for him. Even after all these years. 

Cas must have noticed it, because the next moment he was offering one to Dean. "Go on." 

"Nah I have money." 

Cas pushed it into his hands. "I said, _go on_." 

  
**~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•**

  
A few weeks in seventh grade, and Dean realized the one thing that has changed in all the guys around him, was that they were not interested in hanging out with each other anymore. The only thing they were interested in, was girls. Girls, girls and girls - everywhere he went, he heard the same thing. Gym, locker room, chemistry class, english class, there was no end to it. He didn't exactly blame them. The girls in his class were growing up too. He saw that their shirts were getting tighter, their skirts becoming shorter.

He liked looking at them, he did. But not in a way his classmates did. And not in the way _Cas_ did. Cas never seemed interested in them, at all. When Dean looked at them, he sometimes wondered what was under that shirt or how it will be like kissing them, but that was it. Cas, on the other hand, barely ever spared them a glance.

Neither of them had the insane amount of hunger their classmates felt. Dean sometimes wondered if there was something wrong with him and his best friend. _Why aren't they going after girls?_ Trying to sit with them, get their numbers, etc etc. 

Dean once heard a few guys talking about something which kinda scared him. He didn't know who else to talk about with this, so as usual he went to his best friend. 

"What's mastru..master..no, it was _masterbashon_?" 

"Masturbation?" Cas asked, lowering his voice. 

"Yeah, yeah that. You know about it?" 

"Yeah, my brothers taught me about it." 

"Is it really.. do you really shake your..?" Dean dropped his voice too and lowered his head to get it as close as Cas as possible.

"Yeah, that's what they told me." 

"Have you ever tried it?" 

Cas' eyes widened and he looked at Dean like he had just asked him to sell his kidney. "No, that's horrible and weird."

"Everyone here has already started doing it. I heard Garth and others talking about it in the locker room."

Cas shook his head. "They're a bunch of weirdos." 

"They were talking about who's face they pictured while doing it. Like which _girl's_ face." 

Cas looked horrified now. "Girls?" 

"Yeah girls." 

They remained quiet for a while, thinking about the horrors of seventh grade. 

"Whose face will you picture?" Dean asked suddenly.

"What?" 

"We're gonna have to do it someday. They already call us weirdos. Tell me, whose face will you picture?" 

Cas looked around the courtyard, examining the girls walking and talking there. "I don't know, Dean. I don't really know anyone here, except you." 

"You can't picture me though. That will be weird." 

Cas shoved him. "Ew. No way I am thinking about you while holding my dick, you creepo." 

Dean shoved him back. "You're the creepo." 

Cas smacked his head and ran away. Dean ran after him, revenge in his eyes.

  
**~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~~•~•~••~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~**

  
That day, Dean did try it. The _masturbation_. He sat in the bathroom and locked it from outside. Sammy was watching TV and John wasn't home. 

At first, he tried to think about the girls from his school. He thought about their smooth legs and their bare chests. Nothing. _Think, think_. _Titties_ , that's the word his classmates used. _How would it feel touching them? Holding them? And doing other things the boys kept bragging about._ He felt nothing.

His mind flashed to Cas words. He had no one to think about it either. _Except you_. Maybe he and Cas were broken. Why else were they probably the only two boys in their grade who hadn't done this yet? He and Cas deserved each other.

He felt a rush of blood. As he finally started doing what Garth was talking about, his mind only kept flashing to Cas. And how he will brag in from of him about finally doing this. The last thing he thought about was the look of shock on his best friend's face before he felt extreme pleasure in his mind.

He couldn't wait to meet Cas tomorrow. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't exactly know how to describe first time masturbation, but whatever lol
> 
> Hope y'all are still here ♥️


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean makes a new friend. John starts to question his relationship with Cas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw: use of homophobic slurs, yelling

"Winchetser! Novak! Last warning!" 

"Sorry Mr. Turner." Dean and Cas both said together. 

They've been caught talking in their science class. Again. Their teacher, Rufus Turner was a nice man, but even he had his limits. 

"One of you, up! I can't have you two together again."

"We said we are sorry!" Dean argued.

"You have said it _twenty_ times before. I don't believe you. Come on, _up!_ " 

Dean opened his mouth to argue again, but Cas gently laid a hand on his wrist to stop him. "It's okay, Dean. I will go." 

Dean glared at him. As much as Cas liked talking and bragging about being a badass, at the end of the day, he was a teacher's pet. 

"Lafitte! With Winchester!" 

Dean heard a groan from behind him and then shuffling of books. He glanced behind. A scruffy boy wearing a cap backwards was gathering his stuff. He was sitting with Garth. Dean knew Benny from gym class, but they have never talked before. He was a quiet kid. 

Dean nodded at him as he sat down beside him. Benny turned his head to stare at him and then looked away. 

Dean sighed. He missed Cas already. Both of them didn't really have any other friends. As talkative as Cas was, he was not much of a social element, just like Dean. He couldn't remember the last time they sat apart. 

It was going to be a long class. 

  
**~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•**

Dean waited outside the classroom for Cas when it was finally over. 

"It was _soo_ boring." Cas said as soon as he spotted Dean. 

"I know." He dropped his voice and looked around. "Lafitte bored me to death." 

"Garth too. He can't shut up in gym class, but in front of Mr. Turner? His mouth is sewn. Such a wuss." 

"Bold coming from you." Dean said as they walked towards their next class. 

"What is that supposed to mean?" 

" ' _It's okay Dean. I will go.'_ " Dean said, mimicking Cas. 

Cas rolled his eyes. "Arguing with him would have done you no good." 

"Whatever _wuss_." 

"Hey! I saved us." 

"You condemned us to a lifetime of bore!" 

"You are a dork, Dean!" 

" _You're_ the dork-" 

"You are _both_ dorks." 

Cas and Dean turned around at the small voice behind them. A little redheaded girl with eyes as blue her brother's was standing with an exasperated expression on her face. _Not that little, now that she was in fifth grade._

"What do you want, Anna?" Cas asked her. 

"Money." She said, holding out a hand. "Hi Dean." She added non chalantly. Dean nodded at her.

"For what?" Cas asked. 

"Lunch. Dad messed up my food again." 

Dean rolled his eyes. He has been hearing this story in the Novak family since ages. 

"If I give you my money, what will I eat?" Cas said, adding a small boop on her nose. 

"Come on. You're not gonna let your little sister go hungry now, are you?" 

"If it means me not going hungry, then yes." 

Anna tore at her hair melodramatically. Dean shoved an elbow into Cas' ribs and took out an old, mouldy note from his pocket. "Here." He said, offering to Anna. 

Before Anna could take it from him, Cas had pushed his hand aside with his own money in his hand and shoved it into his little sister's hand. 

"Don't try to be a saint." Cas growled at him as Anna walked away happily. 

Dean smirked at him. "I just care for your little sister." 

"Care for you little brother first." 

Hunting for money or food was almost a daily thing for the Winchesters and Novaks. Dean had to spend most of his allowance on food. At least Cas was lucky that his Dad at least tried to put an effort. Cas didn't seem to think so. 

  
**~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•**

"And you draw the sun in the middle."

"Right here?" 

"Yeah just a little bit to the side." 

"Is it okay?" 

"Perfect." Dean said, ruffling Sammy's here. 

It was a cold afternoon and Dean was helping his little brother draw the perfect solar system. Their Dad was out, probably working in the garage, hopefully not drinking.

"I can't wait to show this to Jess." Sam said happily, admiring his own handiwork. 

"You say that about everything." 

"I do not!" 

"Do too." 

"Do not!" 

"Whatever." Dean said, giving up. 

"You show everything to Cas too." Sam huffed. 

"That's different." 

"Different how?" 

"Cas is a boy." 

"So?" 

"So I can show him anything I want. But if you start doing that with a girl, means you are falling in love." Dean loved teasing his brother. His little nose scrunched up whenever he got angry and Dean found that adorable. 

"I am _not_ in love with Jess." 

Dean smiled. "Then why do you show her everything?" 

"If I am in love with Jess, then you are in love with Cas!" 

"I told you he's a boy. That's different." 

"It's not. You are in love with Cas." Sammy giggled at his own joke. 

"You little-" Dean said with mock threat, getting up from his chair. 

Sam immediately got up and ran, daring Dean to catch him. "Dean is in love with Cas!" 

"Come here!" Dean ran around him, but slowly, only to humor him. 

Sam kept chanting. "Dean is in love with Cas! Dean is in love with Cas!" 

Before any of them could register it, the door blasted open. Both of them stopped in their tracks, frozen. 

"What did you just say?" A thundering silhouette at the door, making the brothers retreat into their own shadows. 

Sam out his hands behind his back and looked down. 

"I asked, what did you say boy?" John Winchester asked with venom in his voice as he stepped inside, closing the door behind him. 

Dean walked over to Sam, putting a protective hand over his shoulder. The little kid was shaking already. "It was just a joke, Dad."

"Jokes about you being a sissy?" 

Dean flinched at the word. Hearing it after knowing it's true meaning was a thousand times worse. "It's not.. it's not like that." 

"Then what's it like?" The loud voice fell like a whip on Dean and Sam. Dean could feel his eyes filling up. 

"We were just playing, Dad. I promise he won't say anything like that again." 

John stepped closer to them and Dean wanted to run away. Take his little brother and never come back. But he just stood there. John leaned down and Dean closed his eyes, wondering when the hit will come. 

"He better not." John said in a low, threatening voice and then walked away. 

Both Dean and Sam breathed a sigh of relief. They were saved today. 

"And Dean, you spend too much time with that fag." 

The worst thing was, Dean didn't know whether he was talking about Cas or Sam. 

  
**~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~**

  
Dean's head was down on the table in the science class. He had decided to rebel in his own way. If Mr. Turner wasn't going to let him sit with his best friend, he wasn't going to pay attention in his class either. Thankfully, the teacher was ignoring him too.

"I am not that boring you know." It was a small whisper, but Dean heard it all the same. He raised his head ever so slightly to look at his seat partner. 

"What?" He whispered back. 

"I said I am not that boring." 

"I heard you the first time. I meant, what do you mean?" 

"I heard you yesterday, talking with your boy Novak, that you were gonna be bored your whole life with me or something." 

Dean recalled their conversation from yesterday. He gave him a non-apologetic shrug. "This is the first time I have heard you talking." 

"Never thought you were worth talking to." 

"Then why are you talking to me now?" 

"Because I don't want you to think I am a bore." 

"This doesn't change anything." 

"At least I have more friends than you."

"Novak is better than all of you." 

"Of course you would think that. He is your boyfriend." 

Dean flipped him the finger. 

"You're the one who keeps eyeing us when we shower in the gym."

"Please. I am not a fag." 

"Neither am I." 

"Just don't try to kiss me or whatever." 

"Only if you don't kiss me first." 

To Dean's surprise, Benny laughed. Well more like, let out a low snort so that Mr. Turner can't hear them. Dean found himself smiling too. "Dean." 

"Benny." They shook hands beneath the table. Maybe he had imagined it due to all the gay talk, but he felt Benny's fingers linger on his hand just a second longer.

He didn't notice it before, but he had raised his head all the way up while talking to Benny. His rebel was over already. He had someone to talk to again. 

_Another thing he didn't notice was that Cas was eyeing them all this while from the back._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have decided to make smaller chapters, since longer ones take a long time to write and delays publishing date.
> 
> Also, little sparks between Dean and Benny? Yayy


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A small look inside Castiel's home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a very small chapter, just focusing on their friendship.

"So tell me again. How did it feel?" 

Dean rolled his eyes. "How many times do I have to tell you about this?" 

Cas nudged him. "Come on. You never even told me who you thought about while doing it." 

"Its none of your business." Dean said. They were sitting on the floor of Cas' room after school, playing video games. Cas had the ability to recall random information at any time. Like now, he was again asking Dean how masturbation works, when he had told him about it almost a month ago. Cas just couldn't get enough. 

"It _is_ my business. I am your best friend." 

"Still none of your business."

"Bet you told Lafitte all about it, didn't you?"

Dean paused his game to look at the blue eyed bastard. "What?" 

"You talk to him a lot. You would've told him." Something had changed in his voice. There was a hint of bitterness in it. It's been a month since Mr. Turner had made Benny sit with him and Dean had started liking him more and more. They spent their entire class talking and somehow their teacher failed to notice. Maybe because, unlike Cas, Benny actually knew how to talk without getting caught. 

Dean pouted his lips mockingly. "You are jealous." 

"Am not." 

"Don't worry, I don't picture his face while doing it." 

"Fuck off, Dean." Cas said, getting up from the floor. 

"Come on." Dean got up to follow Cas. "What do you wanna hear? That I think about you while jerking off?" He wasn't exactly lying. He has masturbated a lot since the first time and no matter how many girls he tried to picture, it always ended with his beat friend's face in his mind. 

Cas turned around, fire in his eyes. "This isn't funny, Dean. Stop making jokes like that." 

Dean gave him a lopsided grin. "Why? Makes you blush?" 

"Everyone already thinks we are gay. You making jokes like these doesn't help." 

_What if these aren't jokes? What if I am telling the truth?_ He let those words fade away right before they reached his tongue. Cas already looked disgusted at the _idea_ of being gay. Dean telling him about his little secret won't help. 

"Well you act all jealous when I get a second friend. What do you expect?" 

"I am not jealous. I just don't think Lafitte is a good guy." 

Dean snorted. "And why do you think that, Dad?" 

Cas looked at him for a long moment before his eyes steeled. "Nothing. You're right. I can't tell you who to hang with. " 

"You shouldn't." Dean had hoped that Cas' jealousy spree would last longer. It was new and raw. "Can we get back to the game now if your girl talk is over?" 

"Dad's calling you." A bored voice said from the doorway. Dean turned around to see Gabriel standing there. He groaned. 

"Nice to see you too, Winchester." Gabriel said, rolling his eyes and left. 

Dean didn't like any of them, but at least Gabriel was better than Michael. While Gabriel left sarcastic comments all around, he was never actually mean. The oldest Novak brother, well, he was a piece of work. Dean and Cas stayed away from him as much as possible. 

"Hi Dean. Didn't know you were here too." Cas' Dad said as they both entered the living room.

"Hey Mr. Novak." Dean greeted him.

"It's good to see you here." Cas' dad said. Chuck Novak was a good natured man. A little careless and lost after his wife left, but at the end of the day, he loved his children. He may not always have the money to feed them or buy them important school books, but he did try his best. Dean always wondered why Mrs. Novak left. Cas had never given him a straight answer. 

"Well Sammy is at his friend's house, so I get to be here." He only left home when Sammy wasn't there either. He was scared to leave him alone and have Dad came home to find him without his elder brother protecting him. God only knows what he will do. Dean wasn't willing to take that risk.

"He spends a lot of time with Jess." Cas chimed in. "You have to ask him to make more friends, guy friends. They will bully him so much later if he doesn't. Having girl friends is fine and all, but at the end of the day, you need some guys to have your back-" 

"Cas." Chuck said softly. 

"Sorry Dad. I went off track again." Cas gave a half apologetic shrug. Dean was glad he was back to his talkative old self. "Why did you call me?" 

"Groceries. Dinner." 

Cas made a whiny face. "Why can't Gabe go?" 

"He's in high school now. He is busy with homework." 

A look exchanged between Dean and Cas, which clearly implied that they knew that Gabe was doing anything but his homework. 

"You don't believe that, do you, Dad?" 

Mr. Novak gave him a stern look. "Are you going or should I go myself? After a tiring day at work?" 

"I had a tiring day at school too." Cas muttered softly so that only Dean could hear him. "Come on." He said. 

They both went out. Dusk was upon them. The autumn weather was already chill. Dean was only wearing a shirt. He wrapped his arms around him to keep himself warm. 

"Maybe I should try it." Cas said, his voice barely a whisper. But Dean heard him.

"Try what?" 

"You know.." Cas looked around, making sure no one was hearing them. The street was empty. "Masturbation."

"We're in the middle of seventh grade and you still haven't." 

"I just don't understand what's the hype." 

"You will once you try it." 

They walked some more in silence. The air was rippling through Dean's shirt and making him shiver. "So, Julia Roberts? Or Megan Fox?" 

Cas shrugged. "We will see." 

"Or you can steal Gabe's porno magazines. You have that option, at least. Unlike some of us who have to rely on imagination." 

"I'll lend them to you. He has tons of it, he wouldn't even notice." 

"Okay." 

"Okay." 

Dean wondered if it will start snowing soon. He wasn't looking forward to it. He hated winters. Everyone being happy, in a festive mood, while the only good thing Dean and Sam had was their Dad drinking too much to shout at them and falling asleep straightaway. 

"You cold?" Cas said after a while. There was a hint of concern in his voice.

"A bit." 

"You're shivering like a hairless sheep." 

"What the fuck is a hairless sheep?"

"I don't know. It's the first thing I could think of." 

"You know that we don't have to say everything we think of, right?" 

"Shut up." 

"Whatever." Dean said, finding it hard to keep his teeth from chattering. 

"Take this." Cas took of his sweatshirt and offered it to Dean. 

Dean stopped. "What? No." 

"Come on. I obviously am stronger than you since I am not feeling the cold. Take this." 

"Fuck your charity." Dean said and continued walking. 

Cas threw the sweatshirt at him and it landed on his shoulders. "Let go of your ego for a minute and wear it." 

To an outsider's eyes, it was a simple gesture. A boy offering his friend a sweater because he was cold. But to Dean, it was different. Cas knew how little Dean and Sam had, how little their Dad spent on them. So he was always trying to give his stuff to Dean. He never said anything directly. He would just hand over stuff to him by one eccuse or another -an extra pen, or a spare notebook or clothes that Dean said he liked. Whenever Dean tried return them, Cas always refused to accept. _I have one already.. it's a lot, Dean, I have no space to keep it.. I don't even like it._

Dean let the sweatshirt rest on his shoulders. It smelled like Cas. If this wasn't charity, Dean would've loved to keep it. "I don't need it." 

"Just.. give me back before going home, all right? I can't have you shaking like an otter the whole time." 

Dean sighed, defeated. He finally wrapped the sweatshirt around him. "At least this time you used a good analogy." 

"Thanks. I know I am smart." Cas said, earning himself a smack on the head. 

As they said goodbye to each other on returning from the store, it wasn't until very late that Dean realized be had forgotten to give back the sweatshirt. And as usual, Cas didn't ask about it. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is where Dean is starting to fall for Cas, I guess.
> 
> Also, I promise the pace will pick up in the next chapter.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Benny start getting closer and Cas is more and more jealous.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the slow updates, I am trying to force myself to write faster.  
> Btw get ready for some action in this chapter ;)

It was going to be an awkward dinner. Well, to be fair, every dinner they had with their Dad was always awkward. But this one was gonna be worse than the rest. 

"Dad I want to ask you something." Dean said, chewing down the cold macaroni. Their microwave was broken again and Dean did not have the energy to ask his Dad to repair it. _One thing at a time.._

"What?" John grunted, not looking up from his plate. Sammy looked back and forth between them, his eyes wide with anticipation.

"Um it's just that, we have um, projects coming up in school and other stuff too, related to school of course and it's getting difficult-" 

"Get to the point, Dean." 

Dean cleared his throat. "I want you to increase my allowance." 

To Dean's surprise, John laughed. It wasn't a lot that John Winchester smiled, but when he did, he did it with whole mouth which somehow lit up his face. Dean felt a rush of warmth inside his chest at the rare sight. He looked at Sammy, who was looking as shocked as him. 

"How much do you want, Dean?" 

"Just a few more dollars Dad. Whatever you can afford." Dean mumbled. He wasn't willing to test his fate any further. 

John clapped him on the shoulder and beamed at him. "My son is finally becoming a man." 

Dean let out a awkward chuckle. "It's just money, Dad." 

"You can't lie to me Dean. That age, I know where the money is gonna go. Whichever girl you're trying to impress, she's lucky." 

Dean smiled but didn't say anything. This was the reason his Dad was happy - he was thinking that Dean finally had a girl. That he wasn't gay. _Well, let him_. As long as he gets some money. 

  
**~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~**

"Maybe now you can finally buy some porno for yourself." 

"Yeah I won't have to think about you anymore." 

Cas shoved him. Dean elbowed him back. They were sitting in the bus on their way back home. 

"Maybe a new watch. Yours is so old." 

"It's Mom's." 

"Oh right, forgot about that. Then, what about a video game?" 

"I don't have a TV." 

"You can come play at mine." 

Dean rolled his eyes. "That's so generous of you." 

"I am serious, Dean. When was the last time you got this much money with you?" 

Dean considered. "Maybe never." 

"See?"

"I haven't seen Dad drunk since the last few weeks. He usually comes home in time for dinner. And once, he even smiled at Sammy when he did something stupid. Maybe he's, maybe he's finally letting Mom go." 

To his surprise, Cas laid his hand on top of Dean's which on the seat. Dean froze. They rarely ever made skin contact. They used to hold hands as kids all the time, but it stopped after fourth or fifth grade. Thankfully, Cas, who was sitting in the outer seat had his bag in his lap, concealing their hands from the rest of the kids. 

"I hope so, Dean. You and Sammy deserve better." Cas was looking at him. Not in the normal way, but with a gaze he only used when Dean was feeling too low or emotional. He had given him that look when he first saw Sammy. He had given him that look when Dean had told him about the first time John laid a hand on him. And everytime, Dean couldn't stop himself from melting. 

Of course if Cas knew what Dean was really thinking about at the moment, he will never give him that look again. 

"I'm gonna buy a new t-shirt for Sammy first." Dean said, looking away and freeing himself from the piercing eyes. 

Cas sighed. 

"What?" 

"When will you live for yourself?" 

Dean stayed quiet. He let himself feel the touch of Cas' skin on top of his. 

"Wanna hang out later?" Cas asked. 

"Can't. Benny's coming over today." 

"Why?" 

"Project." 

"Good." The touch was gone. 

  
**~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~**

Dean got home and immediately started cleaning his room. He didn't know why he was doing it. Cas was here all the time and he left it even more messy than it was when he came. Cas was also a dumbass. Benny, on the other hand, Dean always had this weird urge to impress him. The deep voice, the careless attitude, the smooth talks, he was what people would call a badass.

He looked around at his room. Some old, torn posters of his favourite bands like Led Zeppelin and Linkin Park hung on the wall. His sheets were rumpled. His books were kept(more like thrown) in a corner of his room. Dean checked his watch. It was 4 pm already and Benny could be here any minute. He paced around nervously. No one but Cas had been here. 

"Dean! I need your help-" 

"Not now Sammy." Dean said to his little brother's face peeking in his room. 

"But I have to-" 

"No." Dean said, walking over to his door. "Later. I have a friend coming over and I need you to not embarass me in front of him." 

Dean made to close the door, hut Sammy stuck a foot inside to stop him. He smirked. "Is it a girl?"

"What? No." 

"Then why do you look so nervous?" 

"I am not nervous. Now piss off." 

Before Sammy could say anything, the doorbell rang. His little brother gave him a last mischievous smile and ran to get the door. "Sammy, wait." Dean said, running after him. 

"Oh." Sam said as soon as he opened the door. 

"Nice greeting." A deep voice said. 

Dean pushed his brother aside to meet his friend. "Don't mind him. He's an idiot." 

"Well at least he's cute." Benny said, putting a smile on Sam's face. He stepped inside. Dean would've never taken him for someone who calls kids cute. 

"I just thought you were a girl." 

Dean groaned. He smacked his brother's head. Thankfully, Sammy ran inside. 

"He looks like a good kid." Benny said, looking around in their house. Dean was suddenly ashamed. They didn't have a big house and the ceiling was falling off in many places. Their garden outside was mostly eating weeds. Their couch was torn here and there. _Why hadn't he ever tried to repair any of it?_ Maybe because no one other than Cas or Jess ever came here. 

"He is. Just speaks too much for his own good. Come on." Dean said, walking towards his room. 

Benny smiled and followed. It was one of the things Dean liked about him. With Cas and Sammy, there was never a moment of peace. They were always talking and talking and talking. But Benny, he was calm and reserved. 

"What do we have to do again?" Benny asked, throwing himself on Dean's bed. 

"Volcano." 

"The thing half the class is doing." 

"Well it's easy and I don't really care about creativity. I just want marks." Dean sat himself on the edge of the bed. _Why was he nervous in his own home?_

Benny laid down on the bed with his feet hanging off. "This is boring shit." 

"I know." Dean said, trying to make his voice as careless as possible. 

"When will your Dad be home?" 

Dean shrugged. "Around 6 or 7 maybe." 

"Mom?"

"Don't have one. Died in childbirth." 

"I am sorry." Benny said with a softness Dean didn't think he was capable of having.

"It's okay. I've learned to live without her." _It was a lie, of course._

"Well, if it makes you feel any better, my parents are dicks. They're always hounding me for something or the other." 

"Well my Dad's a dick too, so there you go." 

"Fuck our parents." 

"Fuck your parents and my Dad." 

Benny laughed. He looked around the room. "You don't have a TV or any video game in your room?" 

_Fuck, he noticed how poor I am_. "I play at Cas'. "

"Novak?" 

Dean nodded. 

"You two are close."

"Well he's my best friend." 

"Other people don't seem to think so?"

Dean froze. "What do they think?" 

"That you're shagging each other." 

"That's ridiculous." 

"Well you always look like you've got your tongue down each other's throats." 

"I am straight." Dean said defensively. 

"Then talk to girls." 

"I.. I feel shy."

"Sure you do." He said sarcastically. 

Dean looked at him. "I don't see you talking with girls either. You're always with Garth and others." 

Benny laughed, but there was no humor in his laughter. It was empty, dry. As if Dean touched a nerve. He sat up and met Dean's eyes. "Because unlike you, Dean, I have stopped denying what I am." 

It was the closest Dean had ever felt to him. Not even when they put their heads together to talk in class. There was still a physical distance between them, but the way their eyes were hooked on each other, Dean could feel himself getting pulled closer to the boy. _There was something in his eyes, something in his blue eyes.._

"And who _are_ you?" Dean spoke slowly. 

"Queer." 

Dean didn't move away. He should feel repulsed, push him away, throw his out of his house. But he couldn't. _But how could he? How could he push away something that was a part of him too?_

"Benny.." 

"Admit it, Dean. I see the way you look at Cas." 

_Cas!_ That's what it was. Benny's eyes were blue, just like Castiel's. _H_ _ow had Dean never noticed it before?_

"And I see the way you are looking at me." Benny whispered. 

And just like that, the physical distance between them closed and Benny's hand was on his cheek, crashing their lips together. Dean had never kissed anyone in his life. It felt a bit weird. Benny's lips were soft and Dean felt like they were melting around his own lips. 

He wondered if he had bad breath. But the way Benny kept kissing him, assured Dean that his breath was good. He wondered if Benny had kissed someone before. 

It _was_ weird, but Dean was now beginning to understand why people liked doing this. He wanted to take more and more from Benny. He liked doing this. 

Maybe he liked it too much, which turned out to be a bad thing. Because he was in so deep, he never heard the doorbell, he never heard Sammy rushing to open the door, footsteps coming in and reaching for his door. 

He didn't even notice anyone standing outside his room till the voice fell on his ears like a hurricane, ripping him off his fantasy world and pulling him back to reality. "What the fuck?"

Dean had never seen John Winchester so mad before. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...fuck


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John finds out about Dean and Benny and of course, he's not happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw// Implied physical abuse, homophobic slurs

Dean had never seen his Dad so mad before. There was fire in his eyes and his lips were closed in a tight manner. He was shaking. 

Dean immediately flinched away from Benny, who looked as scared as him. _How much had his Dad seen?_

"Dad.. we..it's not what you-" Dean said, trying to find his voice. 

"Get out." The calm in his Dad's voice terrified Dean more than a thousand slaps. If John wouldn't have been looking directly at Benny while saying it, Dean would've hundred percent assumed that it was meant for him. Although, he knew he would get to hear those words too.

"Mr. Winchester-" Benny started but Dean interrupted him. 

"Just go." He practically begged. Benny was only going to make things worse. 

"Dean I can't leave you alone." 

"He's my Dad. I will be fine." Dean said, not believing a word himself. 

"I said get the fuck out!" John Winchester had run out of patience. 

Benny gave Dean one last, apologizing look before rushing past his Dad. They heard the front door open and shut. Dean closed his eyes. The time was here. 

"Dad, I can explain." 

"I don't want a _fucking_ explanation!" 

He knew that crying was only going to make it worse, but he couldn't stop his tears. 

" _One_ son!" The door of his room was shut and footsteps approached him. "Can I have one son who's not a fucking disappointment?" 

Dean hoped Sammy won't be listening to any of this. "I am sorry." He mumbled. 

"Sorry for what, Dean? Being a fucking _fag_?" 

Dean cowered and closed his eyes. He had no more answers, no more words. And as he heard the belt buckle click open, he braced himself. He promised himself he wouldn't beg. _He wouldn't beg._ _He wouldn't beg.._

  
**~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~**

  
Dean sat on the footpath outside his house. It was almost nighttime and there were very few cars on the street. None of those paid them any attention. His shirt was half torn. The cold wind was brushing against his wounds, making it hurt even more. He had no money in his pocket. 

Sammy was sitting beside him, silently sobbing. For some reason, it annoyed Dean. He was the one who has been beaten up by a belt. He was the one who has been kicked out of his own house. He was the one who had to hear his Dad use every slur in existence. _What right did his little brother had to cry for him? What right did he have to follow Dean outside as he ran away, half bleeding? What right did he have to shout at their Dad?_

"I hate you and I hope you die!" He could still hear Sammy's words ringing in his head. They did little to make Dean feel better. Sammy had always been the calm one, the one who calmly listened to all the shit their Dad had to say, without ever opening his mouth. Dean even admired that about him. But today, his little brother was changed. He had this hatred borne inside him. All because of Dean. 

He know he can't just sit here the whole night with his brother. He also knew that he had nowhere to go. He wasn't in touch with any of his relatives. He could go to the Novak's, just to spend the night there, but he wasn't sure if he could walk that far in this condition. And Benny, well, God only knows if he ever wants to see him again. If Sammy wasn't with him, Dean would've slept on the footpath. He didn't care anymore. 

"Dean?" A soft voice came from the dark. 

Dean looked up, surprised on hearing his name in a girl's voice. He saw a pink bicycle stop in front of him and blonde hair was freed from the helmet. 

"Jo!" Sammy said. Dean had never seen his little brother talk with their neighbour but he still knew her name somehow. 

"What are you doing here?" She asked,her feet planted on either side of her bicycle. 

_My Dad kicked me out because he caught me kissing a boy._ "Nothing." Dean muttered. He could feel his eyes filling up with tears. 

Perhaps she caught the break in his voice. "Why are you sitting on the footpath like this?" 

"Just like that." Dean said, hoping he wouldn't sound sarcastic. He didn't want to tell her anything. If rumors start spreading around at school, he'll be screwed. 

"Dean had a fight with Dad." Sammy said. Dean gave him an angry look, but he seemed unfazed by it. 

"Oh. You sure you're okay?" She asked with concern in her voice. Dean wasn't buying any of that. He just wanted her to go away, go to her perfect home where her parents probably won't hit her for kissing a girl. 

"Yeah I am fine." Dean said. 

"Okay." She sat back on her bicycle and started riding away. As soon as she turned it to enter her home, Sammy called out. "We have nowhere to go." 

Dean almost let out a curse. _Why was his brother being so bold today?_ Unfortunately, she heard him and rode back to them. 

"What?" 

"We have nowhere to go. Dad kicked us out." 

"Sammy shut up!" Dean spat out. 

"We're alone." Sam said, his voice squeaker than before. He raised his arm to put it around his brother's shoulder to comfort him, but the quick movement made his side hurt, where his father's belt had hit the hardest. He winced out loudly. 

Jo got down from her bike and rushed over to Dean. "You're bleeding?" 

"No." Dean said, trying to hide the pain in his voice. It hurt so much. 

"Dean, what the hell? You're actually bleeding! What did he do to you?" 

How she instantly assumed that his Dad had done something to him, Dean didn't know. "It's nothing, okay?" He put a hand over his wound to cover it, but he knew it was too late. Jo had seen it. And by tomorrow, everyone will know what his Dad had done. 

"It's not nothing." She was panicking now. "We need to clean these up!" 

"I will..I will do that myself." Dean said, annoyed. They weren't friends. They haven't ever behaved as neighbors. _Why the sudden fuss?_

"How? Do you have anywhere to go?" For the first time, they made eye contact. Her almond shaped brown eyes were filled with rage and anger. He knew it was directed at his Dad. In that moment, he gave up. 

"Fine." Dean sighed. He grabbed Sammy's arm to leverage himself while getting up. Every part of him hurt. He didn't even have it in him to walk over to the house next door. 

Somehow, he made it. One hand on Sammy's shoulder(who was about a foot shorter than him) and one hand on Jo's, he made it. 

Bobby Singer and Ellen Harvelle reacted exactly how Dean had expected them to. They both started fussing over his wounds at first. Mrs. Harvelle asked Jo to fetch the first aid kit and then she applied some kind of cream which thankfully lessened the pain. They didn't even ask what caused it. By the look of pity in their eyes, Dean knew that they know. He has seen that look whenever they saw Dean and Sam standing alone in the morning waiting for the bus. He had seen that look whenever they saw Dean helping his Dad when he was too drunk to even walk. The Winchesters and the Singer-Harvelles had never been friendly, but they did pity them. 

It was too much to hope that they will just let it go. Dean knew it was coming after his injuries were all taken care of. He still didn't have any answers prepared. 

"What happened?" Ellen Harvelle finally asked, though not unkindly. Bobby and Jo stared at him. Sam was sitting by his side, holding his hand. He was scared of new places, new people. Yet he was the one who had insisted they come here. Dean now started realising how scared his brother really was. 

"Nothing, it was.. just a minor argument. Things got out of hand." 

"Was he drunk?" 

"I don't know." Dean said truthfully. He _really_ didn't know. 

Bobby scoffed. "A minor argument and he does this? I'll see what he does when I beat his ass.." 

Ellen put a hand on her husband's arm to calm him down. Dean started feeling uncomfortable. _Why was the world angry at his behalf? He didn't even deserve it._

"It's nothing. We will go back tomorrow and everything will be all right." Dean said. 

"Dean, I don't think it is safe for you or your brother to go back to your Dad." Ellen said, sounding concerned.

"We.. I will handle it, all right? Besides we have nowhere else to go." 

"We can call someone. Like child services. They'll take care of you." 

"Take care of us how? Put me and Sammy in different foster homes, where they'll abuse us even more?" Dean realized that this was the first time he had referred to his home as abusive. 

Ellen didn't say anything but she didn't remove her gaze from Dean, which was filled with a mixture of concern and pity. Dean wanted to get out of here. He could feel Sammy silently shaking beside him.   
He stood up. 

"Listen, I wanna thank you for your help today, but it's late and we don't want to be in your hair anymore." He yanked Sammy's hand to make him get up, but he refused to budge. 

Before Dean could tell him to get up, a rough hand on his shoulder forced him to sit down again. "Like heck you're going anywhere, ya idgit." 

"Mr. Singer-" 

"It's late. You are injured. You have no money, no ride. Where will you go?" 

Dean thought for a moment. He was feeling a bit better. He could make it to Cas' maybe. But was it safe to take a little kid with him at night? 

"All right, Sammy can stay here. I will pick him up tomorrow." 

Bobby raised an eyebrow at him, while Ellen said, "You're not going anywhere kiddo. You and your brother are gonna stay here." 

"I don't mean to impose." Dean muttered, feeling like crying again. 

"For the sake of God, Dean, you're not imposing." Jo finally said, with the same fire in her eyes. Dean gave up. There was no more room left for argument. 

"I need to ask you another favor Jo." Dean said as she took them to their guest bedroom. 

"Anything, Dean." 

"Can you, uh, can you not tell anyone what happened? I mean, at school. Not even Cas." 

For a moment, Dean feared that she would refuse him, even laugh at him. "I can assure you, no one will know anything." 

"Thanks." Dean said. It won't be enough no matter how many times he says it.

  
**~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•**

Dean and Sam laid down on the bed. The lights were turned off. Dean was lying on his back, staring up at the ceiling. He knew he had to stay like that the whole night. Sleeping on his side was not an option. Besides him, Sammy kept tossing and turning. 

"Just sleep." Dean said when he couldn't take it anymore. 

"Can't." 

"Me neither." 

Sammy turned on his back too and stared up. They stayed in silence for some time, the only sound was of their breathing. The silence was not comfortable. 

"Can I ask you something, Dean?"

"No." Dean said at once. He knew what Sammy was gonna ask. 

"What happened?" He asked anyway. 

"Nothing." 

"You should tell me, Dean. I should know." 

"No you don't." 

"Was it because of me? Did Dad say something about me? If he did, I am sorry, Dean. It's my fault, I know it." Sammy said in between sobs.

And just like that, Dean's heart broke all over again. His little brother was so used to their Dad blaming him for everything that he had started believing everything was his fault. 

He put an arm around his shoulder and snuggled him in. "Listen, whatever happened today, it's between me and Dad. And it's, uh, it's completely my fault. I did something that I should have never done. It was wrong. It had nothing to do with you, all right?" 

"You are telling the truth?" 

"I am telling the truth, I swear." 

"I will get him one day, Dean, for what he did to you."

It made Dean smile. "You don't have to protect me." 

"I do. You have protected me always. It's my turn." 

Dean chuckled. "Okay whatever you say, tiny tot. Can you sleep now? You have school tomorrow." 

"Okay." Sam said. He was lying, and Dean knew that. Neither of them were sleeping tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so Dean's emotions are all over the place. On one hand, he's kinda angry at John for what he did and on the other hand, he also blames himself. 
> 
> Also, I had planned on writing the whole scene, but couldn't, so I just skipped it. Anyways I'm sure none of us wanna read it in explicit details so..


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean tries to cope with his wounds and his life at Singer- Harvelle house. He and Jo start developing a good bond and Cas comes to visit him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mostly talking in this chapter, but still important!

Unlike what Dean had hoped, the pain didn't subside by the morning. In fact, it seemed to have gotten worse. He found it difficult to move, let alone get up from the bed. 

The bed.. he wasn't in his bed. The events of the night started rushing in his head. He was at his neighbours. Because he didn't have a home of his own any longer. And he should be out by this morning. 

"Sammy" Dean groaned at his brother sleeping beside him. "Get up." 

Sam just turned on his other side and started snoring again. On other days, Dean would've just yanked his blanket off to force him to get up. But today, he wasn't even able to lift up an arm. He has to get up though.. they have to move out. 

"Come on." Dean tried again. 

"Mm..no Dean.. not today." Sam murmured.

Dean sighed. He knew it was coming. He didn't even have the energy in him to argue. Besides, they had no clean clothes, no books. There was no way either of them was going to school today. 

"Morning sunshines." Their door opened and in walked Mrs. Harvelle with a breakfast tray. Dean tried to get up quickly as a courtesy which made him wince loudly. 

"Oh dear, take it easy, Dean. Try to get up slowly." Ellen said, walking over to them. 

Dena finally managed to sit up as Ellen set the tray down. Sammy got up immediately on smelling the toast. Dean couldn't blame him. They hadn't had dinner yesterday. 

"Thank you for this, Mrs. Harvelle." Dean muttered.

"Ellen." She said. "And no need to thank me kiddo."

Dean just smiled.

"I figure you're still too weak to go to school today." 

"Yeah don't worry." Dean said, hurriedly swallowing down a bite. "We'll be leaving soon, maybe after a shower or something." 

Ellen raised an eyebrow. "To go where?" 

"Um to..to my friend's." Dean said , thinking of Cas. 

"Dean we're not having this conversation again. I am not letting you leave until you are good enough to at least walk on your own." 

"But Mrs. Harvelle- Ellen, we should.." 

She just raised an eyebrow and that shut Dean up. As she got up to leave, Dean finally realized who she reminded him of - _his mother_. 

  
**~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~**

  
The next few days were not much different. Dean mostly stayed in bed, while Sammy went to school. The pain slowly started subsiding away, except the one spot on his side where the buckle had hit real hard. At least he could get up and walk now. 

One day, after making sure his Dad was at work, Dean had sneaked into his house to get his and Sammy's clothes and other possessions like school books, bag, the little bit of money he had from his allowance, etc. If John noticed their things being gone, he never said anything. Dean kept wondering if he even knew where they were, until one day Mr. Singer told him that he had a little 'talk' with his Dad. 

Dean had tried to pay Mr. Singer, as gratitude for letting them stay there, but he had straightaway refused. He was as stubborn as his daughter. 

He and Sam had dinner with the rest of the family. The pang in his chest that Dean used to feel whenever he saw them as an outsider, laughing and playing with each other, slowly started fading away. He wasn't an outsider anymore. He was becoming part of them.

All this time, Dean kept wondering about Cas and Benny. He wondered if Benny had told everyone already what happened, maybe he was just playing with Dean, trying to out him. But Jo never said anything to him, so he figured Benny is still keeping quiet. 

As for Cas, Dean prayed that he wouldn't go to his home to ask about him. If his Dad sees him there, he will lose it again. On the other hand, how would Cas react if he finds out Dean had bene kicked out? He'd been telling the Singer-Harvelles that he could go live with Cas, but it was just a lie. He and Cas were close, but were they close enough to let the other live at their home indefinitely? 

The horrors of thinking about Cas showing up at his home drove Dean crazy. He finally asked Jo to tell him to come meet Dean at her house. 

And next day, Cas did. 

  
**~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~**

  
Dean was sleeping when Jo entered, her school bag still hanging on her shoulder. 

"Look who's here." Jo shouted excitedly, waking Dean up. 

Dean opened his eyes a peak and was met with the sharp blue ones. "Benny?" 

A sharp pain on his head. "No, you idiot." 

Dean sat up. "Cas!" Without thinking what he was doing, he pulled him in to a hug. A really tight one. He felt pain in his side where Cas'body was pressed against him, but he didn't care. Cas was here. His best friend was here. 

"I'll leave you two to it then." Jo said. Dean rolled his eyes at her. She smiled and left. 

Dean finally let go of Cas. He wished they'd hugged longer. It wasn't enough. It will never be enough. 

"Are you okay, Dean?" In usual circumstances, they would've made fun of each other for doing _girly_ shit like hugs and stuff, but at that time, there was nothing but concern in those blue eyes. 

"Not really." It was the first time Dean didn't answer the question with a lie. 

"I just.. I don't understand. You've completely ghosted me since the last few days. I even went to your house one day after school, but it was locked. The other day I came in the evening and saw your Dad passed out on the porch. I ran back. No one picked up the calls at your home. I confronted Sammy at school but he sealed his lips, literally pursued his lips to show that they were sealed and ran away. He runs away everytime I try to ask him about you. I thought about asking Benny, but he hasn't been to school either. thought.. I didn't know what to think, until Jo finally came to me today." 

"Wait- Benny isn't coming to school either?" Dean asked, ignoring everything else in Cas' rambling. 

"Nope." 

"Since how many days?" 

"Since the day _you_ have been absent." Cas said, looking a little annoyed. "Did he do something to you, Dean?"

Did something happen to him too? Did his family found out about them? But how? _Surely his Dad wouldn't have.._ no, he seemed too drunk to care. 

"Dean, earth!" Cas said. "I need to know why you are staying at your neighbors, who you've never talked to in your entire life, instead of your own home?" 

Reluctantly, Dean told him everything. Well not everything. He missed out the part where he kissed Benny. He just told him that his Dad was too drunk that day and Dean had broken a plate which belonged to his Mom, which made him really mad. After that, how Jo found him and how they've been staying here ever since.

Cas didn't buy it of course. "All this over a _plate_? He kicked you out for a _plate_?" 

Dean nodded, looking down. So much for being subtle. 

"And what about Benny?" 

"What about him?" 

"You said he was coming at your house that day. And then both of you ghost school for a week. What the hell?" 

"That has nothing to do with this, Cas. I don't know what happened to him. He came, we worked a bit, fooled around and then he left." Dean lied easily. The scrutinizing look in Cas' eyes told him that he wasn't buying an inch of Dean's story. 

Thankfully, he didn't question it more. "When will you go back?" 

That was a question Dean asked himself daily, but he had no answer to. He knew he should go, they were already overstaying their welcome here, no matter how many times Ellen or Jo tried to reassure him that they were not. He had a home, and he was too scared to go there. 

"I don't know. But I should, right? I can't stay here forever. I will beg him or whatever to let us back in." 

"The hell you're not!" Cas said fiercely. "That man is _deranged_ , Dean. You can't go back there, you or Sam. God knows what he will do." 

Even though Dean had been annoyed at everyone getting angry at his behalf, Cas' anger did the opposite effect on him. He deserved this anger. He deserved to have Cas' fire light up for him. 

"Where else would I go, Cas?" 

"With me." The words were said so simply like they were the most obvious thing in the world. With me.. with me.. with me.. 

"I will go with you." Dean said, without a doubt in his mind. 

  
**~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~**

  
Two days later, Dean and Sam were ready to leave. Dean's wounds were almost healed, except the sore spot in his side. Their bags were packed. Cas had told him yesterday that he had talked to his Dad and Mr. Novak was more than happy to have them in their home. 

"All done?" Jo had come to help him, while Sammy was downstairs eating a last lunch at their house. Cas would be here after school and they would walk together to his home. 

"Yeah didn't have much to begin with." Dean said, making her chuckle. 

"I'm gonna miss you." 

"We've only known each other since a week." Dean said lightheartedly. 

"Give me a break, I am a single child and there aren't any kids our age in this neighborhood." 

"You are popular at school though, aren't you? I have seen you hang out with Meg and others." Meg was considered the queen bee in seventh grade. Dean and Cas were always to scared to even approach her. 

Jo laughed and sat herself down on the bed. "They are not my friends. They pretend to be my friends because I am close with Ash." 

" _Ash?_ That dingy kid in ninth grade?" Dean sat down too. 

"Yeah apparently everyone thinks I am cool because I know a senior." 

"How do you know him?" Ash Harvelle was in Michael's grade and one of the most popular jocks. Dean always thought he looked like a hippie with his long hair and neck tattoo. 

"He's my half brother." 

"Your half-" 

"My Dad has another wife and kid. He left us for them. But Ash, he has always been nice to us, to me." 

"Your Dad?" Dean asked, confused. 

"My _real_ Dad, Dean. My Mom married Bobby when I was really small, that's when we moved in here." 

Dean remembered watching the perfect family move in next door right when he had lost his own Mom. 

"I never knew.." All these dinners he had sat through with them, and never once did he think that Bobby was not Jo's real father. _How gladly Dean would give up his own Dad to have a stepdad like that.._

"It's not your fault. How could you have known? Our families never really talked." 

"Yeah." Dean said, a little guiltily. 

"Why _haven't_ we talked to each other since all these years?" Jo asked. 

"I don't know." Dean started playing with the zipper of his bag. 

"Correction - why haven't _you_ talked to me since all these years? Because I vaguely remember waving at you from time to time, to get your attention." 

"I was jealous of you." Dean admitted. 

Jo scoffed. "Jealous? Of what?" 

"Of your picture perfect family. My Mom was dead. My father refused to even look at my baby brother. And then you guys move in, with the perfect look of an American family and it was too.. painful." 

"I am sorry, Dean." Jo said. Dean was grateful for the lack of pity in her eyes. "I don't remember much, but I was sad when we had to leave Dad. I even hated my Mom for a while for marrying this scary looking dude. But Bobby.. he was so nice to us. He never made me feel I wasn't his own. I couldn't have asked for a better Dad." 

Dean smiled, but said nothing. The talk of Dads was making him sad. Perhaps Jo saw it, because then she said, "Look all I'm saying is that I gave this family a chance and it turned out great. You should do that too. Stop feeling like you owe us or something. We can be your family if you want." 

Dean wiped a single tear from his eye. "You never asked me why my Dad kicked me out." 

"I don't need to. I know that you will tell me yourself when you are ready. Maybe tomorrow, maybe next week, or maybe years from now." 

Dean wrapped an arm around his shoulder and pulled her into a side hug. "I have always wanted a sister." 

  
**~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~**

The Novak's house was the place Dean had been into the most in his life after his own house and school. He had always joked about how this was his second home. But, as he stood in the living room, he realized that he was going to be here, indefinitely. He felt weird, out-of-place, even though he has asked Cas a thousand times if this is okay, even Sammy was standing on his side, holding his hand. 

"Dad and Mike aren't home, dork. So I am in charge. So no making out with your boyfriend." Gabe said, entering into the living room. 

"Shut up jerk." Cas screamed and charged towards him. Soon they were both wrestling on the floor. 

Dean and Sam looked at each other with raised eyebrows. This was going to be a ride. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How will Dean's life be at the Novak's? And how will Dean cope with living under the same roof as Cas, with whom he's in love with? 👀


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A small look at Dean at the Novak's home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is mostly a filler chapter and really short so nothing much happens in it, but I promise I'll update the next one soon!!

Living at Novak's meant there was never a peaceful time. Cas shouting and hurling insults at Gabe, Anna laughing and making fun of her brothers fighting, Gabe dropping sarcastic comments anywhere and everywhere, and Michael.. well Michael was a mystery to all of them. He was in his senior year and he only came home at night. He went straight to his room and was barely heard from, except when blaring loud music or playing video games with heavy shooting noises. He barely said anything to his siblings, let alone to Dean and Sam. Which was a good thing, because Dean remembered how Cas used to be his target back when they were in elementary school.

Dean wondered why Mr. Novak let his eldest son off so easily, until he realized that most of the time, he didn't even notice. He would slouch on the couch after work and watch TV for hours. His children would come to sit with him from time to time and he would ask them how their day was and they would tell him stories of their day and he would nod enthusiastically while not taking his eyes from the TV. 

Dean told himself that it wasn't his place to judge. Especially since he had allowed them to stay at his place indefinitely for free. And without any questions. Dean would remain grateful to the man even if he would come home one day covered in blood and confessing to a murder. To Dean, Mr. Novak was an angel. 

As for him and Cas, they had gotten closer. They were with each other practically the whole day, except at night when they went to sleep - Cas in his own room and Dean with his brother on the guest room. Even then, Dean would sometimes sneak into Cas' room at night and they would then stay up late to play a game or two or just talk about stuff. But even during those times, Cas never asked him about his Dad or Benny. He had realised that Dean wasn't going to talk about them anytime soon and Cas had given up trying to find out what happened. 

There was still no news of Benny. When Dean had asked his teachers about him, they told him they didn't know. They had called at his home and all they had gotten as an answer was that Benny was dropping out. Dean had begged them to give him his address but all his teachers had refused. Privacy policy or something. Even Garth didn't know what had happened. He certainly didn't seem to care. 

Dean had talked Cas about finding a part time job to pay for the rent, but Cas had straight up refused. "You're 13, Dean. You can't give yourself to corporates so soon." And then he had launched into a whole explanation about why corporates are bad and how everyone has essentially become their slaves. Dean had pretended to tune him out. 

Dean and Jo were close now. They often sat together at lunch with Cas and sometimes, Meg joined them. Dean didn't like the way she eyed Cas. He told himself it wasn't jealousy. That he just wanted to protect Cas from a girl like that. He wasn't jealous, because being jealous meant he was _gay_. And he wasn't, he _definitely_ wasn't. Benny was a mistake, for which he had rightfully paid for. 

_Benny..Benny..Benny.._ the blue eyed boy haunted Dean at night. He would lay awake, wondering what happened to him. _Was it because of Dean? Did he hate Dean so much that he couldn't even bear to be in the same school as him?_ He was giving himself too much credit. He wasn't important enough for Benny to think twice about. No, Benny Lafitte was not Dean's mistake. Unlike everyone else, he was _not_. 

Dean sometimes visited his home, only from outside. He sometimes saw lights inside, assuring him his Dad was home. Other times, he'd see the house in total darkness, even in the evening, and dread filled him, because what if his Dad didn't make home that day? What if his Dad had an accident and was now lying alone inside, in desperate need of help? What if his Dad had taken flight? Dean was always too afraid to find out the answer. So he'd just run away. 

He knew he would have to return soon. Even if it meant getting on his knees and begging his Dad to take them in, he would. He wouldn't be a freeloader on the Novak's. He would go back soon, just as soon as he gets the courage. 

One day, Cas told him with a very bitter tone that he had a visitor. At first, Dean thought it was his Dad. Why else would Cas look so annoyed? He got scared. As much as he hated being a freeloader, Dean wasn't ready to go back. His Dad's face on _that_ night still traumatized him. 

But when the visitor revealed himself, Dean's mouth was left agape. In a way, this was worse than his Dad coming back. Because the one person who had left Dean with only questions and no answers was here. Benny Lafitte was back. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's see what Benny has to say ;)


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean confronts Benny but is left with more questions than answers.

"Hey Dean."

Dean kept staring. The bastard was standing there and smiling.. he was smiling. Dean didn't move. He refused to get closer. This wasn't real. Benny wasn't really here. He was supposed to be gone. It has to be a trick.

"I am talking to you, Winchester." The voice, which was already deeper than most boys their age, cut through Dean's defences. Before he knew what he was doing, he unfroze himself and was suddenly lunging at Lafitte. 

He grabbed him by the collar of his shirt, and even though he was an inch taller than Dean, he pulled him closer, threat looming in his eyes. "What the _hell?_ " 

"I know you have questions, Dean." 

"We're way past _questions_ , damn it!" Dean spat out. He should be happy to see Benny. He should be glad that he's safe, that he's not dead in a ditch somewhere. But Dean wasn't. Because if Benny was standing here, all smiles, that meant nothing happened to him. He just left, right after he saw what was going to happen to Dean. It meant Dean was nothing to Benny. 

"Listen," Benny said with an odd calm in his voice. "I am not here to fight you or to justify anything to you. I have come here to say goodbye." 

Dean's fingers uncurled around Benny's collars, but didn't let go. "Goodbye?" 

"I am leaving tomorrow. My folks got me registered in a military school. So, America's calling me or whatever, I guess." 

"M..military school? In the middle of the year?" 

Benny shrugged under Dean's wrists. "Take it up with my folks." 

_Military school.._ Dean had heard rumors. They had strict training sessions and were really uptight about rules. They even beat it's students from time to time. Parents don't just send their kids there in the middle of the year unless- 

"They are punishing you." Dean whispered, horrified. 

"Dean that's not.." 

"They found out, didn't they?" 

Benny opened his mouth to argue but something in Dean's eyes made him stop and he looked away. His smile faded and like a wilted flower, his whole face changed. There were heavy dark circles under his eyes and a single slash mark adorned his cheek. It was easy to miss, unless you were studying the face from a scorned lover's eyes. And Dean saw it all. 

"What did they do to you?" Dean asked, slowly lifting his hand to touch the mark. Benny didn't move. "How did they know?" 

Benny flinched at his words. "I.. I don't know." 

"Bullshit." Dean said. " _I_ didn't tell anyone. You didn't tell anyone, did you?" 

"No, of course not." Benny said quickly. 

"Then who-" Dean stopped, realization hitting him. "Did my Dad came over?" 

"I.. I told you, Dean. I don't know. They just confronted me and suddenly all hell was loose. I'm gonna spare you the details. They think that sending me into army school is gonna cure me or something."

"Will it?" Dean asked. Because if there was a way, this.. _desease_ of his could be cured, Dean was gonna take it. It had already ruined Dean's, Benny's and Sammy's lives, and if Dean wasn't careful with his feelings, it will ruin Cas' too. 

"Never. They are not gonna take the queer out of me, it's in too deep." Benny said with a sudden fire in his eyes. 

"They've already taken too much from you, Ben." 

"Not this. Not _you_." Benny took Dean's hand on his shoulder and curled his fingers around his wrist. He brought it to his lips and kissed his fingers gently. "I will miss you." 

"Will you ever forgive me?" 

"It wasn't your fault, Winchester." 

"I did this.. I ruined everything.." 

"Dean, believe me, there is nothing about that night I regret, except leaving you alone with your Dad." 

"Don't do this, Ben.." Dean pleaded. 

"I will be back one day, Dean." Benny leaned in and kissed him on the cheek. "And I promise you, that day, you won't be ashamed of touching me." 

Dean tightened his jaw. Not again, he wasn't going to drown again. "Goodbye Benny." 

Benny's smile was going to haunt him for many nights to come. 

  
**~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•**

  
Benny's touch was still imprinted on his mind. He was still finding it difficult to accept what happened. Like a rare breeze of wind on a hot summer day, Benny had come in and gone, leaving Dean feeling very suffocated. His entire life was ruined and all because of Dean. If he hadn't given in to this disease of his, Benny would still be here. They would be sitting with each other and whispering all kinds of shit in Rufus Turner's class. But he was gone now, shipped off to some military school where they'll beat him and shape him into the man he should be. Into the man they both should be. 

"What did he want?" Cas' voice was so soft that Dean almost missed it. 

"What?" Dean asked as Cas entered his room, slowly closing the distance between them. 

"I asked," Cas cleared his throat and raised his voice a little. "What did he want?" 

"He came to say goodbye." Dean looked at him, unable to hide the pain behind his eyes. He was tired. 

"Why? Is he going off to live with his kind in the underground?" There was a hint of amusement in Cas' eyes which really annoyed Dean. 

"Don't do this right now." He said, his jaw clenched. 

Perhaps there was something too harsh in Dean's voice because Cas instantly take a step back. He raised his arms in defeat and said, "Jeez take a joke, will you? He isn't dead or anything."

Dean was sure his eyes were throwing daggers at his best friend.

" _Fine_ I'm sorry. Where is he off too?" 

Dean sighed. "Arny school." 

"Army school? In the middle of the year?" 

"I don't know, okay? He just said his family is forcing him to go. He didn't tell me what's up." Dean said a little more defensively than he had intended to and unfortunately, Cas caught onto that. 

"Who pissed into your plants today?" 

"I am sorry. I just want to take a nap. I don't want to talk about it, right now." Dean said, walking over to his bed. He wanted to lie in his bed and never get up. Lie in the bed _he_ made, _what a karma_.

"Yeah you never do." It was a whisper, light as a feather falling on the ground, but Dean heard it. Dean always heard Cas.

He stopped. "What?"

"You heard me."

"Yeah, I heard you all right. I am asking what's that supposed to mean?" 

Cas shrugged. "I don't know you anymore. You are going through this really big change in your life and _Benny_ gets to be a part of it, but I don't." 

Dean's feet automatically carried him to Cas. "Jesus, Cas, he's _gone!_ You can let go of your jealousy now, because he's gone. And he's not gonna come between you and me again or whatever it is that you are afraid of." 

"You think.. you think this is because I am _jealous?_ " Cas huffed out. "Jealous of _his_ scrawny ass? I don't care _who_ you hang out with, Dean. But you don't think I have a right to know what goes on in your life when you call me your best friend? Things like why on earth your Dad kicked you out?" 

"I told you already-"

"Don't bullshit me about some stupid plates! I know something happened with Benny that night. People don't just ship themselves off to army school in the middle of the year." 

"Cas, listen, that's not true-" 

"I am going to ask you one last time, Dean." Cas said, all anger gone from his voice. There was only resignation. "The truth, please." 

Their eyes locked on each other. The words were on Dean's tongue, but his lips wouldn't open. His lips wouldn't let them escape. 

"You know, after all these years, I thought you would have come to trust me." Those words were almost a thousand times worse than Benny's goodbye. The ice in Cas' voice had seeped it's way into Dean's heart. He left without another word, leaving Dean alone and cold. 


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Cas talk about their earlier fight

Dinner was a quiet affair that night. Both Michael and Gabriel were out with their friends and for the first time, Dean wished that they were here. Gabe would've certainly filled up the uncomfortable silence which was fueled by his and Cas' fight earlier. Mr. Novak was eating in peace, not bothering to even notice his son in a grumpy mood. Anna was too busy playing with her food and Sammy was fuming silently. He was angry with Dean because he had told him to pack up. He had decided that they were going to leave tomorrow. 

"Hey Sammy look! I shaped my rice like a bird." Anna's high pitched voice cut through the thick tension on the table. 

Sammy leaned over to look at Anna's plate and his mouth shaped into an _O_ , forgetting his anger with his brother and started gushing over the perfect shape. 

Mr. Novak smiled kindly at them. "At least someone humours Anna's imagination." He said to Dean. 

"Hey!" Cas said indignantly. "I have sat through all her stories of angels and demons since she was a kid. I deserve some credit." 

Dean looked down at his food, not bothering to give any reaction to Cas' words. 

"Yes yes you are a good brother Cas." Mr. Novak said sarcastically, winking at Dean. Dean smiled back politely. 

"Anyways," Chuck continued. "You exams are coming soon." 

"Yes Dad." Cas said in a bored voice. 

"Then you boys are free." 

"Yes." 

"At least I don't have to warn you about after exam parties Cas unlike your brothers." 

"Why?" Cas asked, his face contorted with confusion.

"You don't have wild ass friends like them, do you kiddo? You only have Dean." 

Those words made Dean smile. He lowered his head so that Cas won't see his face. He liked the idea of being the only one for Cas. 

"Are you making fun of me for having no friends, Dad? It's bad enough that Mike and Gabe do it." 

Mr. Novak laughed. "Always the sensitive one." He looked at Dean with his eyes twinkling. "But I am not saying it's a bad thing. At least I have one son with a heart." 

Dean laughed along with him. "I agree, Sir." He said, again not looking at his best friend. 

"I'm sorry," Chuck said, he was suddenly looking sombre, although the humor was still in his eyes. "I have _two_ more sons now, with even bigger heart." 

At first, Dean didn't understand his words. Then he saw the way his friend's Dad was smiling at him, his face reeking with kindness and it started sinking in. Chuck Novak had just called Dean and Sam his sons. 

"Mr. Novak-" Dean stopped. His voice was becoming thick, his throat choking. He suddenly didn't want to be here. He wanted to run away, away from Chuck's kind eyes and Cas' cold ones and Anna's gentle smile. _What had he ever done to deserve this? What had he ever done to be called Chuck Novak's son?_

"Don't get sappy on me, Dean. You and Sam have always been like sons to me. I just wanted you to know that." 

For the first time during the dinner, Dean looked at Cas. The coldness in his eyes was gone, it was replaced by something warm. It was home, Dean realized. Cas' eyes were home. Cas beamed at him and gave a small nod of encouragement. 

"Does that make me, Anna and Cas' brother?" Sam squealed excitedly. 

"You have always been my brother Sammy." Cas ruffled the little boy's hair affectionately. Dean's heart sank. If Cas saw Sam as his brother, then he must see Dean like that too. 

"Mr. Novak, I- we cannot thank you enough for all that you have done." Dean said solemnly. This wasn't going to be easy. "I cannot repay you with all the wealth in this world."

Chuck threw his head back and laughed, although not mockingly for which Dean was grateful. "You are learning Cas' talent for words, aren't you Dean?" 

Dean didn't smile. He had to say it then and there. "I am not bragging, seriously. What you have done for us, people don't do that for their own blood. And uh," He hesitated, knowing he's gonna sound more ungrateful than ever. "I've been meaning to tell you this since a few days and I think I should stop pushing it away." 

Chuck stopped laughing. "What are you talking about Dean?"

Dean looked around the table. Cas was looking at him with his head tilted, confused. Anna was looking at him with curious wide eyes. Sammy was concentrating on his food, knowing what was about to come. Dean suspected he was holding back tears. 

"We think it's time to move out." 

The silence that followed was pronounceable. For the first time, Dean had seen the Novak family so quiet. 

"No." Mr. Novak said firmly, his words falling like the sound of a gravel on the table. 

"What-" 

"I said _no_ , Dean. You and your brother cannot go back to that monster you call a Dad." 

Anger flared inside Dean. He should not get this defensive of his Dad after all that he has done, but he couldn't help it. It was inside of him, just like his love for John Winchester- something he hated, but knew that he won't ever be able to get rid of it. 

"Dean, can I talk to you?" Cas said, his voice bringing Dean back to the ground, to the world which will see John Winchester as nothing but a monster. The world which wasn't wrong.

"Alone." Cas said after Dean nodded. 

"Cas." Mr. Novak said, giving his son a significant look which Dean didn't understand. 

"I got this, Dad." Cas said as they both got up from the table. 

They made their way upstairs. The silence was heavy between them, eating away at Dean. He wished their destination wouldn't come, because when they would stop, the silence will be filled by words, which were going to be much worse. And he wasn't ready for that. 

But Cas' room did come and they had to stop eventually. And it was time for words to seep their way. 

"What the hell is wrong with you?" The words were laced with venom. Cas was all over him, not giving him any space to move away.They were so close that Cas' hot breath was like fire on Dean's face.

"What?" Dean asked, trying to keep calm, making sure his voice does not match the anger in Cas'. 

"Why are you talking about moving out all of a sudden, Dean?" 

Dean took a step back. Cas' heat was too much for him to bear. Cas noticed but thankfully, didn't make any attempt to close the distance.

"I thought you wanted me out of here?" 

Cas raised an eyebrow. "When did I say that?" 

"The fight we had earlier.." Dean muttered, running a hand through his hair, embarassed. 

"What about it?" 

"Don't you hate my presence here?" 

Cas palmed his face in frustration. It almost looked comic. Dean would've laughed if not for the seriousness of the situation. 

"You thought I would kick you out over a stupid fight? What am I, your _Dad?_ " 

This time, Dean did laugh. The tension in the air seemed to thin with his laughter. "You are an asshole." 

"Too soon?" Cas asked, smiling. 

"Too soon." Dean clapped him on the shoulder, everything forgiven and forgotten. 

"Seriously man, you need to stop feeling like a burden or anything. And I am sorry for earlier."

"Cas, you don't need to be." 

"No, it's okay. Look I guessed that whatever you did with Benny that day, smoked a joint or cracked open a bear or something, made your Dad mad."

"If I tell you what really happened, you will hate me." This was the most Dean had ever talked about that night. 

"Then don't tell me. I don't care anymore, seriously. And no hard feelings." 

"You sure, bud?" 

Cas waited for a second and then nodded. "I am sure." He said with a finality in his voice. "You are here, you are safe and that's all that matters." 

"You being here is all that matters to me too." 

  
**~•~•~•~•~~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•**

"So we are not leaving?" 

Dean smiled at his excited little brother. "Not yet." 

"Good I will go and tell Anna!" Sammy said and ran away to find Anna's room. 

Dean realized it was a bit selfish of him to make his brother go back to their Dad. Sammy had a home here. For the first time in his life, he had a home. 

"Woah easy there tiger." Dean heard a voice in the corridor call out Sammy as he ran out. He groaned inwardly. 

"Deano," Gabriel's head popped into Dean's room. "Make sure your little brother doesn't break a leg or two, he was running too fast." 

"Thanks for the advice Gabe." Dean said sarcastically. 

"It is my job as a big brother to give advice to Cas' friends." Gabe stepped inside the room.

"Sure, come in." Dean said as the older boy started looking around the room, his eyes admiring the changes made there by Dean and Sam's presence. It was the first time he had come to this room since they had moved in. 

"I like the little changes here." He said. "All the personal touches like this chocolate wrapper on the floor, the pencil scratches on the table and ah, my favourite one, the crayon grafitti on the wall." 

"I am sorry." Dean got up from his bed, all sarcasm gone from his voice. He tried to look genuine in his apology. "I tell Sammy not to do such shit, but he doesn't listen." He went to pick up the wrapper from the floor and dropped it in the bin. 

Gabe laughed. "Good god you are worse than Cas at taking a joke." 

Dean gave him a puzzled look. This was typical Gabriel. Never serious. 

"Sit your sombre ass down and take a breather. This isn't an army dom." 

"Why are you here, Gabe?" Dean enquired, not taking up on his offer to sit. 

The older boy threw himself on the bed and propped himself up on his elbows. "Dad told me about the emo sesh at dinner today." 

"And you have come here to mock me about it?" Dean asked slowly, stretching every syllable of his words.

Gabriel rolled his eyes. "Cas' disrespect for his elders has clearly rubbed off on you." 

Dean snorted. "I'd like a little more respectful behaviour from my elders." 

"My point-" Gabe said loudly, emphasizing his words. "is that, don't think of this stupid stuff again." 

Dean crossed his arms. "What stupid stuff?" 

"This- all this talk about leaving or paying rent or stuff." 

"And you care about me because?" 

Gabe huffed. "I don't care about _you_. Maybe I care about your little brother. The little fucker has come to grow on me." 

"Weren't you calling him a pest yesterday?" 

" _Affectionately_." 

Dean rolled his eyes. "I thought you were the practical one here. Cas and Mr. Novak let emotions cloud their judgements. Michael- I am not sure he _even_ knows we are staying here. You on the other hand, as much as it pains me to say this, I expected you to use your brains on this."

"I am impressed by the way you managed to simultaneously insult and compliment me. Gonna have to take a few lessons from you." 

"I am serious Gabe." 

Gabe gave him a head tilt resembling his brother's, but not filled with the innocent confusion, rather a devilish smug. "What's bothering you?" 

"Doesn't it bother _you_ that we are basically freeloaders here?" 

Gabe sighed. "Listen, I have a lot of friends who live in shitty homes with shitty parents. And I know you don't believe it, but I do have a heart. And it aches to see them like this. And you know what gets me the most? That they don't even _consider_ the option of leaving. They have relatives and friends too, but the thought of leaving their parents? Never. You, on the other hand, you left. And I respect you for that." 

Dean stood in his place, too stunned for words. Gabriel, Cas' bully older brother, _respected_ him? 

The older boy got up from the bed. "Now don't ever quote me on those words. Understood?" 

Dean nodded, smiling softly. "Thank you." 

"Not another emo sesh please. I am glad I missed the first one." 

"I will try not to cry my eyes out at your words." 

"Anyways, you're what? 12? 13, I presume? You can get a part time job when you're 14 and start studying hard for a scholarship because sending four kids to college is tough enough, we can't afford two more." 

"I don't think I will go to college. I will get a job as soon as I can and save up for Sammy. He's the nerd." 

"Come on, Dean don't start making sacrifices already. They never end well." 

Dean laughed humourlessly. "No offense but what do you know about sacrifices Gabe?" 

"More than you know." 

Dean looked at him. He _wasn't_ joking. He decided to change the topic. "You know what, Gabe? You were right?" 

"I know, but about what?" The humor in his eyes was back.

"Maybe I should stop disrespecting elders like you." 

For the first time in his life, Gabriel smiled at him. Not a smile laced with sarcasm or malice, but pure, unadulterated smile. 

"Maybe I _do_ care about you a little, kiddo." Gabe clapped him on the shoulder and left. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little look at domestic Novaks


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another year comes to an end, as something happens that's going to change everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This might be an interesting chapter 👀

The summer air was cool, a relief from the scorching heat of the day. Even though the weather was hot, Dean could feel the hair on his neck standing up. Somehow, he was sweating and shivering at the same time. 

He wasn't going in, he assured himself. He had done this before. Been here, watching from outside, wondering _what if.._

No, never. Gabriel's words had managed to leave an impression on him and he had decided to actually listen to someone for once. _He won't go in.. he won't go in.._

Dean hid behind a bush when he heard a hustle inside. His Dad was walking, more like strutting across his own living room, unable to keep his steps in line. He was drunk again, obviously. Dean didn't remember the last time he had spied on his father and saw him sober. He was killing himself, the way he had tried to when Mary had died. But Dean had stopped him then. He hid away the bottles, let his Dad scream and shout at him to tell him the location of the bottles, felt his hand on himself as Dean maintained his innocence. But he had saved him. And now, John Winchester was drowning himself in his own sorrow and self hatred and Dean wasn't there to save him. _Didn't he owe his Dad that?_

 _You, on the other hand, you left. And I respect you for that._ Gabriel's words seeped into his brain like rain drops dissolving themselves in the wet soil. 

"I passed seventh grade today, Dad." Dean whispered to himself and got up. He made his way to the Novak's.

  
**~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~**

  
"Where were you?" 

"Nowhere." Dean muttered. 

Cas gave him a shrewd look. They had just given their last exam of this year and now they were free, for three whole months. Dean had bailed on Cas after school, making up some lie about returning some books to Jo. The urgency with which Cas had asked him about his whereabouts as soon as Dean had stepped in his room made him realize that his best friend knew. But he wouldn't understand. _How would he understand that Dean still cared about his Dad? No matter how abusive or shitty he was._ He was still his Dad and Dean had to go check on him from time to time, hoping he wouldn't see him drowning in his own vomit.

The fact that Cas didn't ask him twice left a distant ache in Dean's heart. There used to be a time when they held back nothing from each other. Now, Dean could feel new walls forming between them everyday. The walls were thin like a thread, but they were there. And it drove Dean mad. 

"Meg came to me after school." Cas said, changing the topic, probably trying to remove the thin ice they were walking on.

"Meg Masters?" Dean asked, making himself comfortable on the bed. 

Cas nodded proudly. His face reminded of the other guys in their grade who treated talking to girls like a conquest. Dean hid his disgust. 

"What did she want from you?" 

"She said she's hosting a party at her house today. The after exam sorts." 

Dean's face fell. He hated places with so many people. He had never been to a school party before, but he knew what they were like from the way Gabe bragged about them. The loud music, everyone laughing and dancing, Dean hated all of it. He was content to spend all his holidays with Cas, but the blue eyed boy wouldn't want that, would he? Cas was enough for Dean, but he knew that Dean wasn't enough for Cas. And he _shouldn't_ be. 

"Great!" Dean said, feigning excitement. "At what time are you going?" 

"Dean, we are _both_ invited." Cas' expression didn't match Dean's fake enthusiasm. It mirrored Dean's hopeless despair inside. 

"Oh, um," _How was he supposed to get out of this?_ "Listen I stayed up whole night yesterday to study for the science exam today. I am really tired, Cas." Dean faked a yawn, which was a real useless thing to do. The pity in Cas' eyes clearly implied that Dean wasn't fooling anybody. 

"It's okay, Dean." Cas suddenly smiled. "I don't wanna go either." 

"Why? You are always talking about wanting to go to parties and drink beer and whatnot." 

"There won't be beer at Meg's party, Dean. She's twelve. And I only say that stuff to impress Mike and Gabe. I won't even have any one to talk to at that party, if uh, if you aren't going. Not very popular, are we?" 

Dean realized with a sudden pang that if Cas wanted to, he could have as many friends as he want. He could easily talk to anyone about anything, had a simple charm to him, always managed to impress people around him. He had even seen many girls eye him, especially Meg Masters. But here he was, giving up on the most popular party of their class, because Dean wasn't ready to go. 

Dean felt repulsion crawl inside his skin. _Repulsion against himself._ He again faked a smile even bigger than Cas'. "Ah fuck it. I can come. We will leave early." 

"Nah I really don't wanna go." Cas waved him off. "And to tell you the truth," His ears suddenly turned red. "I don't like the way Meg looks at me." 

The blush creeping in on his best friend's cheek made Dean laugh. "Someone's got a crush."

Cas didn't laugh with him. " _Her_ , not me." 

"Why not _you?_ She's beautiful, she's popular, she's... uh.. _anyways_ , what else do you want other than beautiful and popular? Imagine your status quo, you will be at the top of the food chain if you date her." 

"Shut up, Dean." Cas threw a pillow at him which Dean catched easily. "If you like her so much, _you_ date her." 

Dean wrinkled his nose. "Ew I don't." 

"Well I don't either." 

"Plus we are too young to date, don't you think? We aren't even in high school." 

"So you _will_ date her in high school?" 

Cas shifted uncomfortably. "Maybe." He said, not meeting Dean's eyes. 

Dean's heart sank. He was only teasing before, but what if Cas really liked Meg? Will Dean be able to bear the heartbreak? 

"Well we still have a year to go, so we will see later." 

"Yeah it's still too far." Cas said and a silence fell between them. _The year wasn't that far._

"Anyways," Cas said suddenly, twisting his features to form an oddly cheerful smile. "What should we do to celebrate today? Mall? Movies? Video games?" 

"Mall maybe? We can hang out and," Dean hesitated. He wanted to make up to Cas for him not going to the party. " And stare at chicks there." 

Maybe it was Dean's imagination but something in Cas' face fell. "Yeah sure. I was thinking more like those massage chairs they let people try for free." 

"That _is_ a better option." Dean observed truthfully. As long as no dating prospects for Cas. 

"You know, Dean," Cas' face were sombre again. "I have been thinking.. that I.." 

"Thinking what?"

Cas hesitated and looked away. His ears were red, the way all the Novak's did whenever they felt embarrassed. Dean had observed that during his long stay here. "I don't know how to say this, but there are some things, some _feelings_ that I-" 

**CRASH!**

Cas' blue eyes were filled with alarm by the defeaning noise downstairs. As far as they knew, they were alone on the house. Chuck was at work, Gabe and Michael were out with friends, Anna and Sam were at their friends' houses. Without thinking, they both rushed out. 

Dean tried to keep up with Cas as he jumped two stairs at once. He was panting when they reached down. His best friend hadn't broken a sweat. 

They soon located the source of the noise which was coming from the kitchen, accompanied by thick laughter. 

"Mike." Cas said shrewdly when he entered the kitchen, Dean behind him. 

"Cassie." Michael looked at his little brother and let out a laugh. He was kneeling on the floor, looking inside one of the shelves. Some pots and pans were lying on the floor, clearly thrown away. 

"This your little dork brother?" A deep voice said from behind the counter. The boy had dirty blonde hair which reached his shoulders and he had a piercing in his left ear. 

"Ash." Dean said quietly. 

Ash Lindberg regarded him curiously. His face broke into a grin and turned to Michael to say, "This the freeloader?" earning another laugh from him. 

"Hey!" Cas called out. His eyes were steeled. He clearly liked Ash just as much as Dean did.

Ash ignored him. His eyes were fixed on Dean who had stepped beside Cas. "I've heard a lot from my sister about you. Cause y'know she's in love with you or something." 

Dean deadpanned. "She is like my sister."

Ash snorted. "That's what they all say at first." He walked over to Dean, his feet swaying. He was struggling to keep himself upright. "Listen, kiddo, I've seen one too many boys like you, trying to earn girls' trust, and then creeping your way in." 

"Cause you've done it too you motherfucker." Michael shouted, his voice echoing inside one of the shelves he has stuck his head in, still searching for whatever it was that he wanted. 

Ash laughed. His stinking breath filled the air. Dean wrinkled his nose. "That's different asshole. This is my sister." He turned to Dean and jabbed a finger on his chest. "If you ever do something like that, you will have _me_ to answer to." 

Dean wondered what Jo saw in this drunk, sorry excuse of a brother. He turned his head. The smell of his breath was nauseating. 

"Hey back off!" In a split second, Cas was standing between him and Ash. "Dean's not like that." 

Ash didn't look offended at Cas pushing him. Instead, he craned his neck to look past Cas, at Dean. "Gonna let your boyfriend speak for you?" 

"Found it!" To Dean's relief, Michael shouted, interrupting the little fight. Ash turned around to walk over to him, but Cas was faster. Their was fear in his eyes as he ran over to his elder brother. 

"What the hell are you doing with that?" He accused. 

Dean and Ash followed him. Michael was holding an old wine bottle in his hand. It was covered with thick layers of dust. The elder Novak brother was eyeing it like a trophy. 

"You stay out of it Cassie." He said, getting up and trying to steady himself on his feet. 

Cas was on fire today. He firmly stood in front of his big brother and said, "Leave it." 

"Are you threatening me kiddo?" Michael ruffled his brother's hair and took a step forward but Cas refused to dodge. Dean didn't understand what was the big deal with the wine. It was just a dusty old bottle. He felt scared. Not for himself, but his best friend. Michael was at least six foot tall and Cas was this skinny, lanky kid. He was not match for his brother.,

Cas seemed to have realized it too, because his eyes softened and his voice dropped. "Don't do this, _please._ " 

Michael laughed. "That's more like it. Now move." 

Cas didn't move. "Y..you will break Dad's heart." Dean knew Cas inside out. He knew his every habit - the way his jaw clenched when he was feeling angry, the way his ears reddened when he was shy, the way he tilted his head whenever he was confused. By the way his eyes were crinkling now, Dean knew he was going to cry soon. He only hoped Michael won't notice it. 

"You think I give a shit?" The words shocked Dean. He knew that Mr. Novak wasn't particularly close with his elder son, but the nonchalance with which Michael had completely dismissed his Dad's feelings made him feel bad for the family patriarch.

"I know you do, Michael, please. If not for me or for Dad, for _her._ " Cas' lip trembled. His voice was becoming thinner, shriller. Dean wanted to touch him, to hold him, to calm him down, but he couldn't. Not in front of the six foot giants.

Michael's eyes seemed to become clear for a second as he regarded his little brother. For the first time, Dean saw a little softness behind them. He opened his mouth to say something, but was interrupted 

"Is the family drama over? Or do I have to sit another hour for this soap." Ash said, clearly irritated.

The softness behind Michael's eyes disappeared as quickly as it had appeared. "Fuck you." His voice laced with hate, he harshly pushed his brother aside. 

Cas grabbed Michael's arm in the last minute and tried to yank him back. "Mike, _please_." He pleaded. 

Michael tried to wrench himself free of his little brother while both Dean and Ash stood, not knowing what to do. 

_Looking back, this was one of the biggest regrets in Dean's life. If he had helped Cas then, maybe things wouldn't have turned out the way they did. Just maybe, just maybe._

Before Dean could've moved to help his best friend, there was again a loud **CRASH!**. The silent sound of Cas' heart breaking was larger. 

For the first time, Michael looked scared to look at his little brother. His eyes were fixed on the broken bottle lying on the ground. The contents of the wine was spilled everywhere, turning the floor the color of blood. 

Ash groaned. "Fuck this shit." 

Without a word, Cas ran out of the room, with Dean behind him.

**~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~**

"Stop." Dean said gently, knowing his words were having no effect on his friend. Cas was shaking in his arms, his head buried against the crook of Dean's neck. Dean could feel his tears seeping into his t-shirt making it wet. 

They were both sitting on the edge of Cas' bed. Cas had been crying non stop since the past fifteen minutes. As soon as Dean had come in to soothe him, he had thrown his arms around him and held him tightly, refusing to let go. Michael and Ash had left soon after the whole fight. 

"I am sorry." Cas murmured into Dean's chest, his voice thick with tears.

"What are _you_ sorry for?" Dean whispered in his hair. 

Cas lifted up his head, his arms still woven around Dean's torso. He looked at Dean, a hair's breadth of distance between them. "It.. it was all.. everything that happened.." 

Dean was finding it hard to concentrate on Cas, because his attention was fixed on, well, _Cas_. It was hard to explain, but Cas was so close. Dean just wanted to feel him. All of him. 

"It was just wine, Cas." He said softly. 

Cas shook his head, looking away from him. "It wasn't just wine." Dean nodded. He already knew the answer, had guessed it in the kitchen from the look in those blue eyes. But Cas said it anyway. "It was my Mom's." 

"I thought so." Dean whispered. 

"The last thing we had." 

"I understand." Although, Dean didn't. Not really. His Dad had given away most of Mary's possessions right after he died, because he was too afraid to look at it. The only thing Dean had that reminded him of his Mom was Sam. 

"Only you do, Dean." Cas stared at him. Both of them were aware of the proximity between them, but neither of them tried to move away. The closeness was comfortable. "No one else does. Only _you_." 

Maybe it was the love reflected in those blue eyes while he was looking at Dean or maybe it was the way those soft lips trembled while speaking Dean's name. He didn't know. All he remembered was that the next moment, there was no distance left between them. The next moment, Dean and Cas were one as their lips joined together. 

It felt like stars exploding in Dean's mouth. Their lips were barely together and yet Dean felt attached to them like a magnet to iron. Like a moth to a lamp. The kiss with Benny was nothing compared to this. _Castiel felt warm. Castiel felt right._ _Castiel felt home_. 

And then Castiel's fingers moved and brushed against a sore spot on Dean's stomach. The exact spot where his Dad's belt had hit the hardest. The spot which had still not healed completely. 

The pain made Dean jerk back to reality, shattering everything around him. He immediately pulled back and dared himself to look at his best friend. He didn't look mad. He looked surprised, maybe even _disgusted_. 

"Dean.." was all he managed to say. 

Dean stayed silent. There were no words left for him to say. His loathing of himself rendered him speechless. _Once again, he had spread his disease and this time, he had let Cas drown in it too._


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of the *kiss*.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw/ slight homophobic language, slurs

"Dean please just listen-" 

"No." A single word came out, weak and undetermined.

"Dean come on, don't-" 

"Cas, leave me alone!" Dean almost yelled. His eyes were stinged with tears, his breath was uneven and Cas' voice felt like a bee humming in his ears. He wanted it to stop. He wanted it all to stop. "Just go, please." 

The corridor of Cas' house felt hauntingly empty as they both stood there, suspended in time. "Dean, can we just talk?" Cas said in a voice timid but it fell like poison on Dean's heart. _Was Cas scared of him?_

"Look whatever happened.. I am.. I am not _gay_ or anything, all right? I am straight." Dean spluttered out. _Maybe if he said those words enough times, they would come true._

Cas looked ashamed. _Did he pity Dean?_ "I never said you weren't-" 

"I can't do this, Cas. I can't do this anymore. You need to stay away from me." _Away from the disease I have become_. Dean left it unsaid. He turned around and walked away. Why was there so much space between Cas' and his room? Not _his_ room, the _guest_ room. 

"I am not gonna do that, Dean!" Cas shouted as he followed him inside the guest room.

Dean opened the cupboard with so much force that the doors ended up banging the wall. Cas fell silent as the noise echoed in the room. Dean gathered a bunch of his clothes and threw them into an old suitcase Mrs. Harvelle had lent him months ago to keep his clothes. 

"W..what are you doing?" Cas asked fearfully. 

"What I should've done a long time ago." Dean muttered, now grabbing Sam's clothes from the cupboard. 

"Listen, we can just talk it out, all right?" Cas was following Dean at every step as he went back and forth from the cupboard to the suitcase on the bed. He didn't touch Dean. Maybe he was too disgusted to even touch him.

"There's nothing left to say, Cas." _What was there to say when Dean had ruined everything?_ Just like he had ruined everything with Benny, and ultimately his and Sam's life. It was time to own up to his mistakes. 

"Please." The word was filled with so much pleading that Dean's heart melted. He stopped and looked at his best friend. The blue eyes were swimming with tears. 

"I.. I can't." _I can't have you hate me, Cas. I can't let my disease consume you the way it did Benny. I can't have you fall with me_. The rest of the words drowned in Dean's mouth. There were too many unsaid words hanging in the air, and he hoped they never find their way to his voice. He choked on his tears and spoke in a thick voice, "I am not what you think I am."

"I don't, okay? Whatever happened, you don't have to take this on you. It was.. just take a goddamn second to listen, please!" 

The desperation in Cas' voice made Dean stop. His heart fluttered with hope. Was Cas willing to forgive him? He didn't look angry, not even when Dean had kissed him. Maybe he would be willing to forgive and forget. 

"I can't lose you, Dean. You mean everything to me.

_Everything..friend?..brother?..lover? What does everything mean?_

_"_ Just whatever happened, it was.. it shouldn't have happened. We both know it."

Dean's heart sank again, and this time, the stone that was tied to it was so heavy that it would never let him breathe again. _What had he expected? For Cas to kiss him? Tell him he loves him too? Admit that he was as degenerate as Dean was?_

"..let something like this come between us." Cas was still talking. "Things like these happen and I have always seen you like a friend.." Cas hesitated. He looked at Dean with scared eyes, like a prey eyeing it's stalker. "Like a _brother_."

_There it was. The answer to Dean's question. This is what everything means._

"So it..just don't let this _atrocity_ come between us. I am begging you." 

The hatred running in Dean's veins took a turn and now all of it was directed towards his best friend instead of himself. _So Cas thought he was an atrocity too?_

"I think this atrocity has seeped too much poison between us. It's better that you stay away from me. For both our goods."

Something in Cas' eyes hardened. The storm in the ocean eyes froze and turned them into stone cold ice. "If that's what you think." He turned around and left, not once looking back. 

  
**~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~**

Dean didn't know how he had managed to run out of the Novak's home, carrying at least four or five bags in his hand ( _he didn't count_ ), while Sammy was just coming back from Jess' house. Dean had thrust half the bags on him, grabbed his hand and practically yanked him out of there. He had refused to listen to him. 

And now they were standing in front of their own home at last, bags in hand, feet sore due to walking all the way, hands trembling with fear. 

The dusk reminded Dean of the last time he was outside his house, bleeding and running with his brother behind him. Dean was feeling even worse this time.

It was time to go in. 

  
**~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~**

Dean could hear the doorbell echoing inside his house. After a few minutes, they could hear the thumping noise of footsteps. Dean's heart was beating even louder. 

As soon as the door opened, Dean pushed his brother behind him. If his father was going to lash out again, let him take it out on Dean. 

John Winchester's voice slurred as he tried to make out his son's face in the dark. "D..dean?" 

"Dad," Dean suddenly forgot how to speak. He looked down at his feet, trying to appear as sorry as he can. In the shadow of the light falling from the streetlight on the porch, Dean saw big arms lifted. He flinched on instinct but before he could back away, the arms were over him, around him, pulling him inside. Inside his Dad's tight embrace.

"Dean." His name in the gruff voice fell like honey on Dean's ears. 

For the second time, Dean mouth almost opened in surprise to his Dad's action when he smiled at his younger son. It was a smile, right? There wasn't any teeth, but his mouth had crooked. His eyes were half closed, but Dean could see a hint of warmth in there. _Had he walked into a parallel world?_

Sammy, however didn't smile back, or didn't notice his Dad smiling at him, because he never once bothered to lift his head. He made his way straight inside, not bothering to say anything to his brother either. Dean knew the little kid hated him right now. 

"Dad," Dean started, not stepping inside yet. This wasn't going to be easy. "Whatever happened, it won't happen again, I promise. It was just a.. I got carried away. I swear that isn't who I am." Each word took a toll on his breath. _That isn't who I am.. that isn't who I am.. maybe if he says it enough times.._

Dean held his breath with anticipation as he waited for his father's smile to fade away and turn into an ugly snarl. His ears strained with trying to hear the sound of a belt buckle being opened. But none of it came. Instead the smile became wider as the old man said, "I forgive you son." 

Dean breathed. "You do?" 

John stepped aside and gestured Dean to come inside. Dean remained frozen. 

"Boys your age make mistakes, right? Besides it looked like the boy was forcing you to do that. If I ever get to lay my hands on him." 

A cold stone dropped inside Dean's stomach. _Did his Dad manage to find Benny's identity and reported him to his parents? Is that why they sent him away. He never forced Dean, did he? It was as much Dean's fault. Why was Benny made to suffer._

Coward as he was, Dean kept his mouth shut. As cold and unwelcoming it was, it was home for him. It was the place his Mom's memories were, the place where Sammy grew up. If his Dad wanted to remain in his little bubble that his son wasn't degenerate, then let him. Dean wasn't leaving his home again. 

"So you forgive me?" 

"Everything's forgiven, son. Now will you step inside? I can't hold the door open the whole night." 

Before Dean could step inside, a heavy hand fell on his shoulder, stopping him in his tracks. The familiar whiff of alcohol grazed his face as his Dad leaned in. "I need to know this son. You were at Cas' house. Did you two share a bedroom?" 

The memories of the kiss which was still fresh in Dean's mind came to the surface again. He shook his head no. 

"Did he try to do anything with you?" 

_The taste of Cas' lips, so soft against Dean's hard ones. The touch of his hands on Dean. The belt wound.._

"No, Sir." 

John showed his teeth again. This time however, the smile didn't reach his eyes. "Good to know. And I want you to remember that while I may have forgiven, I haven't forgotten. If I ever see you do sissy-" Dean cringed internally, hard. "stuff again, a belt won't be enough. Understood?" 

Dean nodded weakly. "Yes sir." 

"Good." The hand on his shoulder was removed as John stepped inside to let his son enter.

Dean smelled the familiar scent of his house - booze and despair - he couldn't help but have one thing nag at the back of his mind - _his Dad claimed to forgive him but never once apologized for beating up his son half dead and was ready to do it again in an instant._ Dean shivered.

  
**~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~**

  
That summer was one of the most boring and depressing thing Dean had to go through. Cas was gone, Benny was gone. He only had Jo to hangout and she wasn't exactly free all the time. She had her girls and many times, Ash took her out for ice-cream or whatever. Dean immediately hid himself whenever he saw Ash approaching their driveway. He hadn't told Jo about his little spat with her step brother, and if Ash had told her anything, she never said it to Dean. He was grateful for that. 

Sammy was almost always off with Jess. God only knows what they did walking around the whole town. He even swore he saw them once in a library, during summer. His brother's nerdiness disgusted him. 

Of course, everyone was angry with him. Sam was angry at him because he had made them come back home, even though their Dad had finally started acknowledging that he had a second son too. Why wasn't he more grateful? Dean didn't know how this miracle had happened, but he wasn't complaining. Maybe their Dad had just missed them too much, finally realized their importance. A boy can hope. 

One day, a week after they had come back, Mr. Novak visited him. Dean wasn't surprised. He was grateful that he hadn't walked in here like Ellen Harvelle and her daughter did, right next day after Dean had arrived, anger flaring from their noses, demanding why he was here again. If they had a shotgun, he had no doubt that they would be in prison right now. Thankfully his Dad wasn't at home at that time. Dean had managed to convince them that he was going to be okay, that he would take care of Sam. They had left after making him promise at least ten times that if anything happens, anything at all, Dean would come to them straightaway. 

Dean wasn't that lucky this time. Unfortunately his Dad was home. The only good thing was that he wasn't drunk. 

"I am here to see Dean." Dean was sitting in his bedroom when he heard the soft voice from outside their door. His heart started hammering in his chest. Time for more confrontations. Time to find ways to again dodge the answer to the question - _why?_ The most simple question and yet the most unanswered one.

"Novak." Maybe Dean had known his Dad too long, because he could definitely hear the thickly veiled malice in his sweet voice. 

"Winchester." The malice in Chuck's voice wasn't disguised as well as John's. "Where is Dean?" 

"I was under the impression you fed and clothed him when he ran away." Dean cringed hard at the words _ran away._

"I am sure we both each have our version of what really happened." There was a scuffle of footsteps as Chuck Novak seemed to have stepped inside. 

"I am sure we have. But for the sake of what you did for my son- _sons_ \- I am not going to go there." 

"Let's just agree to disagree then. Again, may I ask, where _is_ your son?" 

The footsteps came closer as John seemed to have pointed Chuck to his son's bedroom and Dean heard his door click open. He stood up. 

"Mr. Novak." 

Chuck gave him a big smile. At least he wasn't angry with him. There could be the possibility that Cas hadn't told him what happened. This is why Mr. Novak didn't hate him. _Yet._

"How are you Dean?" To no surprise, Chuck came forward and hugged him. Chuck Novak was a hugger. He was always pulling his kids into his arms and they always hated it. This was the first time he had hugged Dean, though. _What was with all the Dads spreading hugs around like some disney movie?_

"I'm fine I guess." Dean said, pulling back as gently as he could so as to not offend the man. 

"I want to talk to you." 

Dean could see his Dad sitting in the living room, reading his newspaper. He didn't know if he was listening. He didn't want to find out. 

"Outside." Dean said, grabbing his jacket. "It's too crammy in here." 

"So can I ask now?" Chuck said when they were both seated in a small café and had ordered coffee. Dean used to come here with Cas all the time, well not all the time, only when he had money. He didn't like Cas paying for him. 

Dean shrugged. "Depends." 

"On what?" 

"Whether you believe you are going to get an honest answer." 

"Am I?" 

"I don't have anything to say to you Mr. Novak. At least not what you want me to." 

Chuck sighed. He looked around and his eyes focused on a couple sitting in the nearby booth, giggling over trying to drink their shake out of a single glass. He regarded them with curiousity for a while, saying nothing. Dean waited. 

"Cas refuses to say what happened. I didn't expect anymore from you." 

"Then why did you come here?"

"To check on you." 

They were interrupted with the waitress setting down their cups on the table. Chuck gave her a small flirtatious smile and mouthed a _thank you._ Charm was something the Novak men had it in their genes. Dean had noticed. 

"I told you I am okay." 

"Dean," Chuck said, taking a sip of his coffee. " Months ago, my son told me that his best friend had been kicked out of his house. He said you were half sick, with a little brother to take care of and nowhere to go. You know what I said then?" 

Dean shook his head. Cas had never told him how he had managed to take permission from his Dad to let them stay in his house. 

"I said _okay_. That's it. One word. I didn't ask him why his friend was homeless or why he was sick. I didn't ask him how long will they stay here. All I said was okay. You know why?" 

Dean again shook his head. 

"Not because I have a good heart or something. I mean I certainly do, but it's not about that right now." He paused, waiting for Dean to laugh at his little joke. Dean gave a polite smile. "I did it," Chuck continued. "Because I knew no one in their right mind would have the heart to kick out their twelve year old son from his house. _No one._ All I pictured was a small, scared, homeless boy and there was nothing else to ask." 

"Thanks." Dean muttered, ashamed. 

Chuck waved him off. "I told you this isn't about my big heart right now. My point here is that, I didn't ask you back then, I am not going to ask you now. I just want you to know that my home will always be open for you, no matter how my son feels about you." 

_Your son probably hates me, for what I did to him._ Dean kept his mouth shut.

"And if it's about the bottle, I want you to stop feeling guilty about it, if you do." 

"What bottle?" Dean said sharply. 

Chuck looked down in his coffee. His fingers made swirling patterns on the surface. "The wine bottle."

"I..I had nothing to do with it." 

"I am not mad, Dean." 

"But I didn't, I swear." The couple beside them looked up from their glass alarmingly at Dean's raised voice. "I swear." He said again, lowering his volume. 

"That's what Cas says. But Michael is spinning me a different story." 

"Michael's lying. I am sorry, I know he is your son and all, but he _was_ the one who broke it. And now he's trying to pin it on Cas. You should know this, he is always coming after Cas." 

"I don't want to dwell on my sons' feral behaviour here. I see it enough at home." 

"We didn't break it." Dean said stubbornly.

"If you say you didn't, then I believe you." 

"You do?" Dean couldn't hide the surprise in his voice.

"You're right. I know Michael and I know you and Cas. I can take a guess about who did it."

"Thank you for believing me." 

"I told you Dean, you are like a son to me. Your _beef,_ or whatever you kids call it, with Cas doesn't change that." 

"You are like a father to me too, Mr. Novak." Dean said and he meant it. 

Chuck laughed. "Good to hear that." 

There was silence for some time as they both drank their coffee. Dean was on his last sip when Mr. Novak spoke again. "If you didn't break the bottle, why is Cas so mad at you? He doesn't even want to hear your name?" 

Dean's heart sank. Of course, Cas hated him now. All his talks of not letting the atrocity come in between them was just lies. If he meant it, he'd come back. "I don't know." 

"Look, whatever happened, I am sure you both can move on from it. Fight happen all the time. There's one thing I can tell you for sure, Dean."

"What's that?" Dean asked, smacking his lips with his tongue, tasting the last drops of the coffee there. 

"He loves you a lot. Never forget that. Cas loves you, Dean." 

Dean kept quiet. If only Cas loved Dean, the way Dean loved him. But he never would. Dean felt despair all of a sudden, creeping like Death's cold arms in his heart . Benny was gone, shipped off to a military school because of Dean. Sammy was mad at him, for taking him back to a shitty excuse of a father.

 _And Cas.. Cas was gone. His best friend was gone. Never to return, because he hated who Dean was_. _Why wasn't he born straight? Why did he jumped in to defend Cas that day? Why did he find Cas? And why was Cas taken away from him? Cas was gone and now, Dean was all alone._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi the updates might be a bit late from now on cause my uni has reopened and I barely get any time to write. But I'll try to find time as much as I can and hope to update the chapters every week! Love y'all and thank you so much for all the support ❤️

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on twitter as @amapofyourstars :)
> 
> Please leave kudos or comments if you liked it and stay tuned!! ♥️


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